It still remains the question of whether I will be able to make it to the PhD study in the UK in the end. The desperation has started to reveal itself in my emotional state. when I am fed up with pledging for money and help, I intend to say 'what the hell?' , 'piss off', but can never really give up. The history I am experiencing is making me suffer from anxiety, impatience and nightmares night after night. The more I want, the more I feel I am about to burst into tears or screaming. Day by day, hour by hour, I have been in the situation that I am not be able to leave my computer and have some kind of flase hope that I might get an email and be told to have a scholarship. This seems no difference than buying lottery ticket. When I didn't buy one, it had nothing to do with me and I just needed to lay back and chill out. Once I got one ticket, if I really want to win something, the expectation will grow dramatically as the day of the answer reveals approaching. I sometimes feel that I am a gambler. Maybe I am trying to experiencing the beauty of life, the uncertainty. On the other side, I am long for some certainty in my life while I am doing the opposite things which may not help. Those choices are happening every single time so far. I want certainty but I choose uncertainty.
