Anxiety level starts to shoot up!

It still remains the question of whether I will be able to make it to the PhD study in the UK in the end. The desperation has started to reveal itself in my emotional state. when I am fed up with pledging for money and help, I intend to say 'what the hell?' , 'piss off', but can never really give up. The history I am experiencing is making me suffer from anxiety, impatience and nightmares night after night. The more I want, the more I feel I am about to burst into tears or screaming. Day by day, hour by hour, I have been in the situation that I am not be able to leave my computer and have some kind of flase hope that I might get an email and be told to have a scholarship. This seems no difference than buying lottery ticket. When I didn't buy one, it had nothing to do with me and I just needed to lay back and chill out. Once I got one ticket, if I really want to win something, the expectation will grow dramatically as the day of the answer reveals approaching. I sometimes feel that I am a gambler. Maybe I am trying to experiencing the beauty of life, the uncertainty. On the other side, I am long for some certainty in my life while I am doing the opposite things which may not help. Those choices are happening every single time so far. I want certainty but I choose uncertainty.

心弦越绷越紧

哈罗伦敦学生到访哈罗北京也让我有了这次展示我的教学才能的机会。我教了他们两个下午的中文，这些学生和他们的老师对我的教学大加赏识。昨天临走之前，宣力，他们的一位随行的中文老师悄悄地对我说，你等着，哈罗伦敦学校很有可能给你一份工作邀请。真的吗？我都不敢相信我的耳朵，这是因为前晚我和同事们玩到很玩，喝得有些醉了才回家。整一天我都还处在兴奋和疲劳的状态，思维上的反应有些滞钝。如果能如此，那就真太好不过了。至少对我在牛津上学的经济压力上会有一些帮助。但是实际上我还没有收到任何邀请信呢，让我真有些心里七上八下不得安宁，也许宣力真不该这么急地告诉我。耐心一点吧，我只能这样的劝慰自己。目前，我正为读牛津的费用操心者，不知道谁最终能成为我的学业资助人，是小姨，毕翔，还是国家的奖学金。这种等待，期盼真让我有种煎熬的酸楚。不过幸好在哈罗学校的工作能分散一部分过于集中的注意力，再加上帮助人教社的郝老师编写小学英语听力手册，我的生活有些如火如荼的热闹。不管怎样，我正在竭尽全力试图完成我这份弃之不可的心愿。

I bought two 'antique' vases!

I know they are not real but I still bought them and like them still. The dealer told me it is 'silver wrapped China', but it is obvious the metal on top is not silver although it shines a bit like silver. Haven't thought through what I will do with it but I just enjoy looking at them.

A Sunday lunch ...

After lunch in a Korean restaurant at Wudaokou, we left each other with silence and not satisfying with each other from the bottom of our hearts. Right after he said 'sorry', I stopped saying anything as if it was exactly what he needed to shut me up. I did not say anything anymore but it was obvious that I was not happy, not happy with how we ended our conversation. We were talking about family education and its influence to a kid. One of my colleagues has two children, both are boys. The younger one has a very cool hairstyle, almost like one of those very cool Japanese comic book figures, but the problem is that the hairstyle he has could be quite disturbing for many people because his fringes are long enough to just cover his eyes. The kid just enjoys the shade the fringe covers and would not like to have it cut. Dave thinks if he were the parents, he would just have a pair of scissors and cut it by himself. I disagreed with his roughness and said I would talk with the kids first and try to persuade him to have it cut instead of using force. There our argument started. Family disciplines, socializations, young parenting education, old society had more disciplines, and so on... in the end, it turned out to be philosophical debating argument, an unpleasant one for us rather a Sunday afternoon lunch discussion.

A dreadful day! - loss of a young life

I was completely shocked when the news broken out into my ears. Stitch, a boy who I taught once, I saw every school day, I had chat with, jumped out of his window of his apartment where his mum and him lived at his 18th birthday yesterday. A suicide or an accident, it is not really sure yet, but the boy is dead. The whole school is in gray although everyone is trying to hold onto it. Several students were in tears in the toilet and others look sad and low even they try to squeeze some smiles every now and then. He is a star student awarded the only Golden medal in an International Maths competition, he had lots of admirers from different cultural group in school. He was humorous, fun loving and alway wearing smiles. He looked so positive that I would think he is the last person would end his life so soon. Then I checked online about teenage suicide rate.... in 1996 America, the suicide rate among teenager and young people were higher than the death rate of cancer, Aids, and other serious illness added up. It is shocking...and among male youngsters the suicide rate is usually higher than females.

His death reminds me a lot of my own teenage time. I couldn't believe how fragile and desperate I was. I thought about how hopeless my life is now, it would be so much trouble free for myself, my parents and others that I ended my life early. When I was young, I didn't know how to appreciate life. Luckily, I wasn't silly, desperate, or careless enough to make my tragedy happen.

He is gone, left his family and friends missing him and the myth of his death.

As a teacher, I wonder about how his death is going to impact on others' life, some of his friends were his secret admirers, some teachers such as me had had some real nice chats with him, and some of younger graders had liked his jokes. He is certainly missed but we miss him with full confusion.

Why continue going to university?

My cousin's reaction towards my determination for a PhD degree strikes me really hard. 'Why do you want to do a PhD in a university while you can gain as much experiences at your work?' He is a very rich man and he said this when I asked him for financial support. I told him that I wanted to become a university lecture, he replied me ' why on earth do you want to work in a university?' 'because I feel becoming a scholar suits me better and plus it is Oxford' He didn't say much but I can feel his disapproval.

Then I come across this article http://www.plasticbag.org/archives/2004/07/what_you_should_know_before_starting_a_doctorate/
it really stirs my mind a lot... when I have to make a decision between going to uni again with lots of debts, and getting pregnant in China, what can I do?

All ready for the Spring festival

Next weekend is the Spring Festival, but the strange feeling I have is that it is just another holiday break and has nothing to do with the Chinese New Year. It sounds all dangerous as the New Year used to be the biggest festival that I had longed for when I was younger. I wonder if it is because I am older and wiser to be practical about it is just another day in my life, or there are really lack of cheers for the Chinese New Year celebration around.

For the last week or two, my beginning Chinese groups have been working on several performances such as a small play called Three Little Piggy, two songs: one is Laoshu Ai Dami, one of the most popular song in China for the last two years I think, the other one is Bude BuaiJinsheKuangwu which loved by my African students. An American Chinese boy in Year 7 is going to play with Pipa which is quite impressive. Suddenly, I have become a drama teacher, music teacher, and even an instrument teacher. This is totally not the reason I come to work for this school. The celebration needs me to make such a have-to contribution.

Still, these preparations do not make me feel that we are preparing for the Spring festival. Instead, it is just preparation for another assembly in Harrow, indeed it is. The celebration for the Chinese New Year is going to be on Friday which one day before the Chinese New Year. My mum insisted that we should go back to Wuhan for the time and refused our invitation to celebrate the New Year in Beijing. So booking tickets becomes a headache for me, in fact for many, at this time of the year. Last time I checked there was only tickets avaiable on the New Year Eve, so I am still waiting for the chances to get tickets for the day before the Eve. Anyway, mum is calling me home and I feel the urge to get tickets the night before the New Year Eve. The urge that drags me back to Wuhan stings me slightly and it seems something or someone tries to tell me that it is a time for a family reunion and it has to be one day before the Eve.

想当妈妈的恐惧！

今天决定用中文写一段，说实话，我的中文打字速度是赶不上我的思维变化的 。 ,是终究还是因为缺乏练习的缘故。所以，这次就练练吧！周末的时间总是很快的就过去了，每到周日下午的时候，总有些心里不踏实，好像是虚度了光阴又有些着急下个星期的工作还没有准备好。整个人感到焦虑的情绪比较强烈，也许是星期天综合症加上星期一的焦虑症吧。我还是非常积极的调整自己的生活节奏的，周日通常是我独自去桑拿或是去咖啡馆的时候，虽然并不是每一次都能让我完全放松，但是我很珍惜独处的时光因为这机会好好的反省和回顾一周发生的事情并且为下一周作一作打算。我想有这样的机会完全是因为我的生活还没有孩子或是老人的顾虑，我很能想像出一旦有了孩子，这样的时间会变得毅然稀少起来。当然，这种体会并不是常常有的，但是仅仅和喜清还有她的宝宝Nanex呆了一两个小时就让我完全理解当一个母亲的意义：耐心，全小时服务，以及创意加上灵活的管理。我自然非常佩服喜清！

做母亲还应是一个朝九晚五的工作，我肯定不是一个能够朝九晚五的人，好歹现在工作的地方不要求坐班，所以作息时间上灵活了许多。今天觉没睡好，明天补点儿，上班累了，周末还可以休息休息。要不然高压工作状态下，再加上不喜欢的工作，我不染上一个忧郁症才怪呢？所以，我还真有些谈当妈妈色变的恐惧了！

After the parents meeting!

At least, these parents said that they expect their children to learn Chinese in China as it is a very popular modern language nowadays and it is such a good opportunity for their children to learn authentic language here. It certainly showed that their parents who are expatriates in Beijing are much more aware of the importance of learning Chinese language than their kids. However, when it comes to the point that Chinese learning in school, in a school such as Harrow (a British boarding school), the importance of learning Chinese has been lessened. Chinese becomes not as important as everybody wanted.

Magnetic!

The time between 2:30- 4:00 in the afternoon is just not good for me to work or learn anything at all. If I were given a bed, I would fell asleep immediately. I started my ITune to search for some music that would wake me up and refresh my brain. The moment I heard Billy Gibbons's Blues Jeans Blue, it just caressed ans soothed the right nerves that bothered me for the last half an hour. The brain cells which went wild, now started to behave themselves again and moving according to the rhymes. They are like mashed magnet pieces, without a strong whole piece of magnet, spreading all over the place. once there is magnetic object, they are went attracted and knelled down wholeheartedly. Oh, feel much better now... now better to work again and tonight is Year7,8, and 9's parents meeting, another long work day.

To all my friends- Should have, could have, and would have

"Should have, could have, and would have", quoted from the Sex and City and it is also how I would like to explain my isolation or distance from my friends, you.

I don't feel sorry that I didn't keep in touch with all my friends but indeed I have been too laid back and thinking about contacting you too much. I didn't find an efficient channel or pathway until I find this virtual place to write my blog and things that I would like to share with you. Physical distances and time differences make face to face communication more and more difficult especially for people like some of you and me myself who have been moved around a lot the last few years. So here it is, I am hoping to 'be with my friends- you' again as if it is in the old days in Wuhan, Xining, Bristol and in my current residency in Beijing.

Please feel free to comment or leave me a message whenever you pass by.

I am looking forward to your 'presence' here.

Lots of Love

Year 9 monsters

Year 9 drove me really mad today as they kept talking and joking with each other in English in my Chinese class and not matter how many times I stopped them, they started again immediately right after shutting for 10 seconds. It makes me almost throw them onto the wall, but of course I don't have strength to do so. Two English boys, one Korean boy, one Thai boy and two Korean girls form this class. The biggest problem is that the two English boys have much lower Chinese abilities than the others but they don't care and work hard to catch up with others. They behave almost like comedians who make fun of themselves and others, so that they have all the attention from their classmates. It makes me think if Y9 (14/15 years old) are the most rebellious year during one's teenage.

A disheartened kid...

One of my Year 7 group students were so disheartened when he was facing his Term 1 mandarin result and he was almost in tears. It would be quite unfair for him as he is a total beginner in the Chinese language but he has to be in the same classroom with other more experienced students who are however at more upper-beginning levels. In school like Harrow, it is extremely difficult to allocate the students into appropriate levels as there are limited human resources as well as time constrains. In such a mix-ability classroom where students at a competitive period of their life, I wonder how I could make him more comfortable with the result and see it more positively.

About Child...

"I am four months pregnant", so one of my old friends told me through phone. Wow, things are happening but with joyful notice! I am so happy for her. It is not surprising that many that I know who are younger than me are already mothers. But she, a good friend since teenage and who is also one month younger than me is expecting a baby this May. Sounds like I am competing ... Maybe yes, maybe not...
Kind of think that most parts of getting a child is to fulfill social responsibility, otherwise why would many governments especially developed countries are encouraging their citizens to have more children by providing them some nice benefits. Such as the case in Germany, the government has a new policy that from 2007, every child who born in Germany gets 28,000 euro for the first three years of life. The funny thing was that some women in Germany whose expecting date were around 1st Jan 2007 'were fighting to' give girth in the new year.

I don't know when I will have a kid or two, or even none. My life still goes on...

Best wishes to those mother and would-be mother friends. Hope you enjoy your parenthood and enjoy watching your kids growing up, but more importantly enjoy yourself.

Cooking club- Thai special

Less people than the number we predicted turned up for this edition cooking club that took place at our flat. But the party turned out to be really enjoyable for everyone who came, in particular with the flow of Mojito. Among five of us, we finished two bottles of Havana Rum and half bottle of Gin. At the end of the party, I allowed everyone watch our wedding video and make fun of it. I could not help laughing at it either but that is another story.

This is actually more of a post-Thai trip party for us who went there for the last Christmas holiday. Jane made a Tom Yum Soup which opened up everyone's appetite. The spices and sourness from the soup activated all the taste buds in our mouth. I made three Thai dishes, Red curry beef with vegetables (less spicy), red curry beef (more spicy) and Curry vegetable with shrimp which were also popular that settle down every one's stomach, Graham brought a tropical fruit salad as dessert which carried our good memories back to the tropical land packed with fresh fruit. All of us happened to be in Thailand this Christmas although it was half way planned. We were at different places in Thailand but we had some really unforgettable relaxing memories despite the fact that some of us were sick there and could not really do much. When David and I were in Bangkok, I insisted going to a supermarket because I believe that to know what people's real life is like, market, in this case supermarket is the best place to go. That is the place I got the Thai pastes including Tom Yum Paste, Red curry Paste and so on, Lemongrass, and kaffir limes (two bags of them), and the most important fish source ( the most famous popular kind in Thailand at moment). With all these ingredients, our Thai cooking club almost sounds authentic. Really looking forward to the next cooking club gathering.

Wondering at a coffee shop

Just love to stay at the coffee shop for hours and hours and don't feel it is boring. I can concentrate and look at every stranger around me whenever I feel like. No body cares what i am doing and neither do I care about anything else. Sometimes, the music in the coffee shop drags me into moody thoughts, sometimes it is merely a background, other times i almost want to dance with it. my fingers can dance on the keyboard while every now and then I am distracted by a guy who was just walking into the place, or A girl who was just coming out of the toilet companied with the sounds with the plastic door chain curtain, everything seem all have their own rhythms and work very well with each other. the shop assistants are cooking, they look quite busy with demands from the customers, but they don't care my existence although i have been here for about 7 hours, amazing. I have got to go, my shoulders are complaining.

生命在于肌体有效运动！

终于，又开始骑车上班了！圣诞节放假成了我身体和脑子休息的日子。虽然去泰国海滩呆了几天，脑神经是完全的放松了，可是肌体和植物神经似乎有些过于松懈。并不是呆在一个地方一动不动，而是说运动的频率和效率上有大幅度降低。 放假之前，我几乎是每天都骑车上班，来回快骑大概是一小时二十分钟的路程，经过运动后的身体总是感到通透和畅快的满足。而放假的时候，发生最大运动量时是去逛街的路上。最长的一次是和David 两个人在曼谷金融街斯空唯街上连续走了6，7个小时，累是很累，但是累的不痛快，很别扭，30多度的天气我竟没有出汗！

重新开始骑车的感觉很好，全身出汗而更重要的是心情也随之放晴。今天，7，8，9年纪学生考试，不用上课，这样我有更多的时间准备课程。这也可能是心情大好的原因之一吧。

这张照片摄于泰国Koh Tao海边

Coffee effect

Every time when coffee takes effect on me, I feel high and happy in emotion, faster speed of my heart beeping and ideas rushing through in my head. However, nothing seems come out...