So strange!

I don't know what love is anymore. I question about my marriage, is it really working? I don't think I am there anymore. Where we are staying is more like a shelter for me but not a home anymore. Am I been negative? Positively yes! Like what David said:" I could have made you move out!" Wow! I certainly know that he had that power of doing so, but I don't think I would be afraid of it really. I was preparing for the worst to happen. Now, I just feel everything is so so vague in my head. Our relationship. Is it really love? I don't know if I really love him anymore. I can't say I don't yet because I just don't know. I certainly enjoyed the trip with a bunch of new friends, but I am just not sure if I would like to go for the beach with the two men. One, with whom I have just had a huge fight with and didn't talk for about two weeks. Although we made up after me taking a few glasses of wine and him a few beers. Was that love, lust, simply just sex? I don't know how I should feel right now but I am questioning my marriage and asking myself if it is time to move on already. I don't know.

I said too much!

The mount of words I said in Tuesday could compare to the whole lot I said for a week. I felt almost sick after I said too much. Yesterday was almost a relatively strange day for me as everything no matter good and bad, all happen so densely. I could not really judge whether it was a good or bad day at all. I didn't close the toilet door when another student I know came right to it and we were almost face in face. I don't think she has seen anything that she should not seen but it was embarrassed enough. Stupidly enough I went to appoligize and told her that I was in a hurry so I didn't close the door. She actually told me off saying that "next time make sure you do close it". I was shocked. What was I expected, "oh, don't worry, just leave it open. It was my problem too, I was too quiet." I ended up sitting there and feeling really bad about myself. How disguisting I am! Not close the toilet door when I was on the seat. I was too open about my privacy for sure! A lesson is learned.
It was almost mind-blowing during the lunch time listening to my Hong Kong colleagues taking in Cantonese. That was enough of Cantonese listening comprehension for a whole week. My dinner has contrinuted to a clicking conversation with a new friend, Julie. I was talking, talking, and talking... It almost felt like a therapy. I have said too much and left my door open again, espeically with someone I have just got to know. What done is done! I need sometime and space to just recollect myself together. Too much exposure at one time could easily burn myself out, like the sun stoke I had last Saturday!

What a strange dream

Being sentenced to death! How often can someone feel as real as I had experienced in my dream. Nobody around me cared to do anything to prevent such a punishment. I was so cared, tensed and more helpless even though I remembered in my dream that something could have been done to prevent the death penality from happening. What does the dream mean?

Joined a choir for the first time in my life

For the first time, singing brought me so much joy than I have ever expected. The powerful voice that gathered together depict such a harmony and warmth. The music notesnurition my blood flow and I feel so happy that I can be part of such joyful sound.

when I am not happy, I am here

Every time I feel down and anxious, the only way I could find myself is here when all my old friends are far away and new ones are nowhere to be found. Another weekend, another fight between him and me. Tiny little thing, as simple as one plus one, caused a sensational fights freezing us from seeing or talking to each other. The bad energy keep recurring that I have no idea how to end it in a way that both of us are exempt from hurting each other. We can only be colleagues like porcupines. Talking about the world, the university, the system are absolutely no problem between us, but we just can't talk like lovers or even friends. We were discussing about shopping list and not sure what kind of meat to buy. I suggested chicken but didn't have concrete ideas what exactly I would like to cook. Then I went on to ask him what he would like to have. There it went, he kept pressing that I should let him know what I will cook first before he could tell me what he would like. I was not sure what I will cook and was relatively lade back early in the morning, so I didn't have any answer. He went complaining and told me that I was interrupting him from giving me any answer. While he complained, his tones went immidiately serious and high. I tried not to get annoyed first, but then he went on and on ...Then this weekend is again finished for us.