Terrible exam but a very good friend

Had a really big cry right after the exam. I felt so insecure and stupid with those statistics. Went angry with them first because I had no idea why those questions were asked. I held a scientific calculator but did not know how to use it properly. I did not want to cry because I would like anyone's sympathy but I did and some friends showed their care and sympathy. I cried like a little girl not loud but stubbornly. This was the first time I cried in three years because of the stress from study. Well, probably very first time since I was a kid I cried because I did badly for an exam. Like a baby, a kid... who wants what I wanted but could not get it, so I cried...
Sitting next to me is a good friend who said :' come on, you will try to do well next time." Damn, I will... Feeling so good when I felt so low and someone was trying to cheer me up... He is my friend.

Unsettle on Friday morning

For the last 3 or 4 months, Friday morning has always been like worship time when all the first year PhD, MPhil students go to sit in the lecture room and listen to some times rubbish lectures. But today's lecture was not bad really. It was thought provoking and actually I think I will probably pursue the topic further. However, what really triggered me today was the lunch time chat and afterward a short discussion with my boss about being a trouble maker. I apparently became a trouble maker here. My boss actually bluntly told me that I acutally behave in very westeren ways. my husband told me the same thing. It seems that I tried to make things simple but it got complicated.

To be continued

A lonely night.

A lonely night but I don't feel I am lonely anymore. David is off to his conference trip to England and I felt home alone to digest my prolonged and unproductive day. Didn't know what to do even after I had watched two soap operas and fliped through TV channels. Still nothing was really interesting to catch my attention and drag away my bad emotion for today. I felt lonely, then I decided to blog a little. Still too much emotion and didn't know where to start. There A heng went online. He is probably one of very few classmates who I would like to chat with volunteerily. A few jokes really made several difference. Then realized that Wilma phoned me... ah I am not lonely.. and so pleased that I do have friends here. Well, I do have friends anyway. I am not a horrible person, well depends on to whom. That's why I try to avoid people that I don't like that much. After talking, my whole emotional world changed... and now I feel tired...

Monday sickness

I feel slightly sick this morning, don't if it is because today is Monday.

What a long day!

It is 7 to 9 in the evening.What a long day! I have been here for 12 hours. Maybe I should start earlier tomorrow so that I can go home much earlier as well.

About age...

"Pick up a psychology book and look up teenager topics" said he with his eye brow frowned like a piece of crumbled leather. "I treat you as my friend and tell you my trouble, you turn around and think I am a teenager." I protested. " Are you trying to behave like the father of a teenager and treat me as if I am a teenager?"
What my problem was that I became very conscious of my age nowadays especially around my colleagues who are much younger than me, about 5 to 10 years younger. I am not lying about my age but everytime they try to find out my age and I feel very sensitive about it. I really wish they'd rather not to talk about my age at all. However, being around them increasingly remindes me of that I am older than then. So what? I didn't care about it at all.
I tried to talk with him about my trouble, but all the replies I have got from him were that why you always socialise with them, blablabla... "you didn't put your ring on the right finger... you haven't accepted who you are yet..."
Are there any models one should behave according to his age? Obviously he thinks that I am not behaving as my age. It was impossible to carry on further conversation with him anymore, can't really afford to witness more crumbled leather on his face!

Lost in messes

Fear, anxiety, and frustration flood all over me that I couldn't take a breath. It is going to be compeletly over if it goes on like this. I want and need to be stronger at the moment. There is nothing much that I think I can do to make things work again for us unless maybe we both try but it is very unlikely to happen at the moment. He viciously pushed me out of the room and angrily ended the conversation after I started to talk with him last Sunday evening by asking him" do you think that I am difficult to communicate with?". I don't know how I can bend over any more while giving myself some respect. We live in different planets. He loves staying in, reading (long time), watching video clips, no social life and his work at the moment. But I love staying in occassionally for weekend but going out for walks is always nice option for me. I love doing yoga, sports too (badmiton, pingpong, volleyball...however haven't played them for ages), I also enjoy reading, watching films, sometimes cooking and shopping. But more so I like social life that doesn't require everyday partying. Everything is going well with him and he doesn't want to ruin it, I understand. The same applies to me as well. I am keeping my work in control but it seems everything else is falling apart. In order to be with him, I have given up so much the last 8 years. My jobs, family, and friends... I have been submissive to him and appolagetic about fights we both have faults for.
Now, when I start to stand for myself, he is not used to it anymore. If things that he does not care, it is fine. But if he cares about certain things, there is no compromising can be expected from him. He cares about his own time and that is great, but he wants to spend those time on things he appreciates. If he has to spend sometime that he doesn't have much interests in, he seems there but he is not. He prefers to spend time by himself. This can go on and on...
There are some fundamental differences between us in terms of time, social life, hobby, personality in general. Now at least I realize those problems, he thinks that is my problem.
All I can think of now, is doing my own work and concerntrating on things I can do. Do what ever I can do to make the best out of these three years.

That's it!

He literally shove me out of the room in the middle of our conversation. That's it. I see this as the end of our relationship. We have had so many times like this before, but this is the end of the end. We both admited to each other that we feel very stressful with each other's presence. He went all so red and worked up. I am so glad that I didn't shout or yeal this time. My emotion is in control but I just could not help crying now because that I know that this relationship is approaching to the end. We have nothing else to say to each other except for his work stuff or anything he downloaded online. The conversation is over when he wants to call that it is over.

Getting emotionally just like that?

Feeling stuck somewhere is how I feel when I get emotional and slightly depressed. No one can help, not even someone who is closest to me at the moment. There is always something wrong between us no matter how I try. We just can not be compatiable with each other. I don't hate him but rather hate myself not being able to free myself from this deteriating marriage. This is the first time in a month I am pitying myself like this. Of course, there is a cause that the chemistry is just not there anymore and I don't feel loved in this relationship although he announced that he loved me every now and then. What kind of love is that? close relative? I have to be strong on this no matter how I am going to bear this for the next three even four years. I just need take what ever the consequences and work very hard to finish my PhD and get as many paper published as possible. Nothing else is that important anymore. Who cares how you feels now? Who cares about the quality of your marriage? Get on and live with it. Sieze my day and do something useful...

So strange!

I don't know what love is anymore. I question about my marriage, is it really working? I don't think I am there anymore. Where we are staying is more like a shelter for me but not a home anymore. Am I been negative? Positively yes! Like what David said:" I could have made you move out!" Wow! I certainly know that he had that power of doing so, but I don't think I would be afraid of it really. I was preparing for the worst to happen. Now, I just feel everything is so so vague in my head. Our relationship. Is it really love? I don't know if I really love him anymore. I can't say I don't yet because I just don't know. I certainly enjoyed the trip with a bunch of new friends, but I am just not sure if I would like to go for the beach with the two men. One, with whom I have just had a huge fight with and didn't talk for about two weeks. Although we made up after me taking a few glasses of wine and him a few beers. Was that love, lust, simply just sex? I don't know how I should feel right now but I am questioning my marriage and asking myself if it is time to move on already. I don't know.

I said too much!

The mount of words I said in Tuesday could compare to the whole lot I said for a week. I felt almost sick after I said too much. Yesterday was almost a relatively strange day for me as everything no matter good and bad, all happen so densely. I could not really judge whether it was a good or bad day at all. I didn't close the toilet door when another student I know came right to it and we were almost face in face. I don't think she has seen anything that she should not seen but it was embarrassed enough. Stupidly enough I went to appoligize and told her that I was in a hurry so I didn't close the door. She actually told me off saying that "next time make sure you do close it". I was shocked. What was I expected, "oh, don't worry, just leave it open. It was my problem too, I was too quiet." I ended up sitting there and feeling really bad about myself. How disguisting I am! Not close the toilet door when I was on the seat. I was too open about my privacy for sure! A lesson is learned.
It was almost mind-blowing during the lunch time listening to my Hong Kong colleagues taking in Cantonese. That was enough of Cantonese listening comprehension for a whole week. My dinner has contrinuted to a clicking conversation with a new friend, Julie. I was talking, talking, and talking... It almost felt like a therapy. I have said too much and left my door open again, espeically with someone I have just got to know. What done is done! I need sometime and space to just recollect myself together. Too much exposure at one time could easily burn myself out, like the sun stoke I had last Saturday!

What a strange dream

Being sentenced to death! How often can someone feel as real as I had experienced in my dream. Nobody around me cared to do anything to prevent such a punishment. I was so cared, tensed and more helpless even though I remembered in my dream that something could have been done to prevent the death penality from happening. What does the dream mean?

Joined a choir for the first time in my life

For the first time, singing brought me so much joy than I have ever expected. The powerful voice that gathered together depict such a harmony and warmth. The music notesnurition my blood flow and I feel so happy that I can be part of such joyful sound.

when I am not happy, I am here

Every time I feel down and anxious, the only way I could find myself is here when all my old friends are far away and new ones are nowhere to be found. Another weekend, another fight between him and me. Tiny little thing, as simple as one plus one, caused a sensational fights freezing us from seeing or talking to each other. The bad energy keep recurring that I have no idea how to end it in a way that both of us are exempt from hurting each other. We can only be colleagues like porcupines. Talking about the world, the university, the system are absolutely no problem between us, but we just can't talk like lovers or even friends. We were discussing about shopping list and not sure what kind of meat to buy. I suggested chicken but didn't have concrete ideas what exactly I would like to cook. Then I went on to ask him what he would like to have. There it went, he kept pressing that I should let him know what I will cook first before he could tell me what he would like. I was not sure what I will cook and was relatively lade back early in the morning, so I didn't have any answer. He went complaining and told me that I was interrupting him from giving me any answer. While he complained, his tones went immidiately serious and high. I tried not to get annoyed first, but then he went on and on ...Then this weekend is again finished for us.

Where are we going?

there could never be peace between him and me. The whole day we have been strange to each other. It started in the church. I pointed out to him that there was someone ,who we haven't seen for a long time, was over the other side. He immediatly felt repusive and said something in a blaming tone like " what do you want me to do?". I couldn't stand his attitude " what is your problem?" "I pointed out someone we knew and didn't see for a long time, what is the problem of that?" "That is the problem." he walked straight on without any humble of appolegizing gesture at all. "Do you have social phobia or something?" He was not usually like that. There he Harshly turned me down and brought my mood to zero degree cold. He doesn't feel that he might have hurt my feeling at all. Why does he need to feel so? He is a man. I couldn't stand his attitude and he didn't try to make peach with me either. There I went angrier, I sat seperate from him. In fact, I wanted to sit far seperate from him. The way he behaves just makes me feel he was a total stranger to me. A stranger that I dislike and couldn't care less to speak to. It seems whenever there is a situation that we have to resolve, that's when we sort of start talking. Even so, his attitude is like "why would l care to talk to you, well I have to now because I need to solve this problem in front of me, so be it." We have said we would look at the apartment at Ma Anshan, so some decisions need to be made. Very briefly we talked, neither of us could care to make the other happier. That's really sad but there we went. We looked the apartment without really talking to each other. We chose a place to eat, after the lunch the situation went slightly better, the food usually brought up mood a little. Still, we kept distances to each other. On our way back, we fell back again for another thing we talked about I don't remember now. Again, it was time to solve another problem, asking about renewal of the apartment that we are staying right now. He started to talk to me again still in long distance. I sat at my computer, feeling tired. "If you don't have any other thing planned for us, I'd like to go to the sauna." He is under my restrain and he gets what he wanted. Why did he have to sound like that I planned everything else, could he please have some time for himself? I don't understand. I am not his mother. What kind of partner he thinks I am? Yes, I usually want to do something outdoor. but he would rather do nothing and stay in flat the whole weekend, preferrably without any disturbunce. Only, only if I said that I would like to do this or that, I then felt obligation to come along. What kind of partnership or relationship this is? Yes, busy busy is his work and life at the moment. Really can't he spare anytime to plan a little walking about ahead. I don't believe so... we just don't share similar interests as we should do. Everytime he did so, he did it as if he was doing me a favour and he was obliged to do so. He just doesn't have much compassion towards the others and would not like to share the part of life I enjoy. We are sleeping seperately... we have to ... he snors and woke me, even himself up... I have better sleep now and feel happier with myself... but we still live together.

About my attitude!

The aftermath of talking with Cammie has been shaking me like throwing my heart against a trembling bed. I couldn't quite explain where my anxious and frustration are coming from, but I told Cammie that I found I could not quite find any peer yet to hold academic conversations with and could not quite fit into the culture here for some reason. That was probably a bit stupid of saying so, but in return such complains sound very familiar to me for some reason. I was just too sensitive to everything that happens around me. I feel that I would be feeling more comfortable if I am in control of things I should know about but realized that it is a rather difficult task to achieve. After the encounter with my TA peers, I felt I was hating myself of asking so many questions and talking about so much about related psychological videos I have seen. It probably appeared to be like showing off and trying to impress people, to certain extend. Why did I do it? I am not quite sure but it caused such a stir in me that I couldn't forgive myself. I have such a loath towards Chinese, espeically the Chinese Educational system despite the fact that I was grown out from the Chinese system. I was not able to go to a Chinese university because I chose to go to the teacher's school when everyone else among peers went to high school which led them into universities. I was extremely proud of where I was from but meanwhile extremely jealous of people who was in the university back then. The social discrimination toward primary school teachers made me even more self-conscious and self-pity of myself. Slowly there has been a complex of shame, proud and twisted discrimination growing in me. I was shame of myself just being a primary school teacher but also so pround that I had finished my degree during five years working in primary school and had been awarded one of the best teachers among hundreds of schools. I was jealous of people who went to university right away and later on had much better jobs which means earning much more money. Money was the measure who should be more supier than the other although people would deny that. I had a group of friends who were university students back then. I didn't feel I am less clever than them but certainly I felt rather reserved and extremely shamed of my own status in front of them. Nobody around me made me think so, but I did. Rather, they felt my shyness and humble were virtues which they appreciated. I tried to hide my true self and reveal a me that I thought people might like better.
Now, I am again in a place which is not really ideal and I have just realized that history is repeating itself in someway. I am finding some ways to change the old and hurtful history.

Another emotional day.

Work is done. What ever mistakes should be made is made! I just couldn't really wire down for what ever had wired me up. I could feel that I am trambling inside and anxiety level just go shotting right up. I didn't understand that I was talking back to a professor although he is very young. "who the hell does she think she is?" one may think what did today by asking so many questions about the job I was assigned to, especially that Hong Kong donkey mouth. His last life was probably a donkey or mule, especially when he laughs and makes sissy gestures, that looks totally like an ass. Obviously, he is not happy with the way that I asked so many questions as a first year PhD student. More importantly, that I am from mainland. How dare she is wasting so much of my time by asking so much question? I wasn't thinking that much. Just totally feel as a new comer who is expected to walk in to classroom to teach a group of undergraduate, I am entitled to know more about the course a little bit more than an simple introduction. I was really shocked by the way the course is handled with some simple slides. I couldn't stand that donkey face and wish I would never need to see him again. Well, enough complains... need to go back to work a bit.

Typhone is coming and the rain is hitting the window violently

It may also have washed away any sweet memory I had with him as well. Last time we had fun together is maybe when we were in Germany. I don't feel loving any longer, for some reason towards him. I have been unhappy, unhappy about our life together, our fights, our disagreeable arguments and oppinions. Somehow, I couldn't convince myself to look on the bright side of our relationship except for pitting myself that if we meant to seperate from each other, I would live a rather difficult life than before. I am trying to set things right by improve my own strength in which ever way possible. That doesn't seem to help with our relationship. I do understand that he is probably under great pressure as well in living academic life which requires great concerntration on the research interests. One of the problems is that we are both in such circumstances. I do not know how to solve this problem but thinking of a way solving some problems that I can.

A visit of hometown

It was so amazing that accidently four of my relatives asked me the same sensitive question of my income. It is so important that they just could not help keep nagging and pushing for the answer, however reluctantly telling me of how much they earn or what they are information is. Usually, I was too honest and frank to simply answer all the questions that raised. After that I somehow left with a feeling of revealing too much of myself and therefore made myself vulunrable of something that I could not quite figure it out. Probably gossip to start with, then some unpredicted troubles within family such as money borrowing and so on. Obviously I had received much more friendly treatment this time than any other time in the past. Distance has made everything ease a bit, but I just could not help thinking that how not to give out information that easily. The simple and easist way is just to aviod any further contact.

Bitterness

Weekend is as boring as an empty room that I can only hear myself typing and the frigerator's humming. Somehow I just feel that we are not weekend couple type, more of weekday ones. There seemed alway more happened in his life than my my own because he is the one who always has things to tell. Maybe my life at uni hasn't really started. I feel I am getting rather bitter towards things that are happening around. I need to get out of the apartment for a change although it is so damn hot out there. Where can I go? I will maybe go to an island, I don't know. Just to look at nature or something. I am bit sick of sharing such boring weekend with him. He always has excuses of not going anywhere and has nothing else to propose or say to me either. Yes, I need to walk out the flat.