Finally get over of jet lag.

Finally I have got over my jet lag, so now I have not any excuse for not working. Just the thought of work makes me feel lazy again. Sitting here typing down my complains, I feel slightly self-pity. I really do not want to write at all. With too much emotion into the writing, I don't know how to do it really. Just now, I was distracted by job emails although I am in no position of finding a job at all. What do I need to write today? I need to write or finish writing the research report that I carried out. However, I have long lost interests in it already, not the topic but the writing process. I wish there was someone who would like to talk with me about it. Why do I keep telling myself that. Quite practically, I should also start revising the article that I writing with Cammie. That one seems to be more interesting in a way since I have put a lot of effort into the writing already. Still, the writing process can be so tough and torturing. Especially when the thoughts lost its relevance. I mean relevance by the contact that is irrelevant to my current life. I feel I am constructing some ideas in theory and in the air. It is not quite touching down the ground. Although I know what I would like to say, but words are not easily postulated into arguments. I kept procrastinating, but once I sat down and started to type, I just couldn't get flow. What is wrong?

Another friend is leaving.

Having heard the news that one friend is leaving Hong Kong triggers my emotions of sadness, disappointment and self-pity. The stresses of living in Hong Kong resumes, it seems. Our summer holiday in Europe gave us a lot of relaxation and reflection so I was ready to come back and work again. Just three days at work, the old memories of tiredness, anxious and complains about the boss flushed towards my mind. I tried to shut them down and keep them outside of my mind, my effort wasn't all in vain as I have kept telling myself:"just two and a half weeks left, your new life begins afterwards." Will I really have a new life after my present work? I don't have an answer, I don't know, but I guess I am just ready to move on like I did for the summer holiday. Three weeks staying with David's family in Europe had been tiring but also full of joy and surprises. Everyday there was something new to see and know. At one point, I even felt there was too much to take a time for myself. However, I was really happy because I had told myself it was my holiday and I didn't need to do anything. Back to work, I was all ready to start fresh and it has been. But as the freshness of back from holiday is start to fade from me, I slowly find myself being dragged by what was remained unchanged, the work. The jet lag doesn't help either. No, I would like to maintain the freshness, at least making the fading speed slower. I start to think what really relaxed me during the holiday, the beautiful scenery with green forests and quietness. What else? staying with family makes me feel calm and secure, although they are more of David's family, my extended one. Kids' smile and laugh were spiritual comfort. Not everything I liked for holiday, in fact I was anxious to get back to work. After several interrupted attempts, I decided to just leave the work as it is. But now I am back to work, in addition, everything in Hong Kong that reminds me of work freaks me a bit on the contrary. People's life is around work or money here. It would be a rare scene to see people take a break for the break sake. Taking a short break is preparing for continuing a better work performance, that's how I understand my colleagues so far. I am getting philosophical again... I will resume this later.

Back from holiday and I can't fell asleep

Just after two hours of sleeping, I woke up and complained about the noisiness of my husband's heavy breathing and the wind blowing into the room from the pipe in the wall. Since then, I tried to use ear plugs. It didn't work because it was so much quieter and unnaturally quiet that my mind pitching all sorts of ideas and projects that I would like to achieve in the following days and weeks. I was patient and conscious enough to persuade myself that it is just jet lag. Stop panicking. In fact David's noses are not really behaving, they blocked his breath quite often, so he has to rely on his breathing through his mouth. That is one of my projects that I would like to schedule in some time this week or next. The trouble is that David sometimes can be very denial and excusable that he would find excuses of postponing it, eventually he expected me to forget about it. Not for this time. I just need to be firmer and more organized with him. Hong Kong is just so so humid that every breath I take is like sieving some water through noses. Sitting in our nice apartment facing fantastic view of the harbor, what would I complain? Life is in fact very good for us, without debts, without children, without annoying relatives (of course nice relatives as well, I couldn't see that as part of good life, without nice relatives and friends). From living with in-laws in Germany for three weeks back to busy and hot life in Hong Kong, there is a gap. I can't tell which part is more realistic than the other. Probably Hong Kong because our work is here. But we have no long term friends or close relatives living close by. Life here appear to be a bit hysterical and detaching from everyone we knew in the past. The detachment, however, creates some looping space for both David and me who seeing us belongs to either Hong Kong, Germany, or inside China. We are living in between, between people, people's life, places. The trouble might be that we will not like to stay at one place for long since everything will gradually appear too clear for you distinguish, therefore it spoils the imagination of living that place. Thoughts have driven me around in this humid Hong Kong air that I would like to deny having memory of. Life in Hong Kong for us will restart in 6 hours or so. The anxiety has already kicked in that we yelled at each other for something tiny. It seems that when reaching certain period time of life, the knowledge of what life should be like and what life is like in reality creates an contradiction in emotion. If the knowledge is not appropriately initiated, it creates emotional chaos and riots. To know or not know of them, that is not a question for consciousness but for unconsciousness. I am getting philosophical, using Graham's comments about me.

Can't wait to get out of Hong Kong for a while!

Finally it is a rather clear day now in Hong Kong after weeks of raining weather, but I just can't wait to get out of it for at least a while. Work and life related stress have driven me and David a bit too tense. Some fresh and cool air will do us good I hope.

Amazing news that Germany fight their way to semifinal of Euro cup! Very impressive as it was the fact that Germany lost to Croatia in their group and Germany was facing very tough challenge, Portugal, who was regarded as the most potential winner for the Euro cup, but now they are going home. Exciting game when especially the most potential is lost and the most defeated stands up again. For this, I love German football

About death!

I think about death very often, almost every other day or even a few days consecutively. Our serviced apartment has shuttle bus service. The bus from TST to apartment compound sometime goes to the route passing a creametory, white smoke flying out of the chimmny on top of the building signifies that one person has left this world. Sitting in the bus and watching the smoke resolving into the air reminds all the people passed away from my life. Of those including my dad, grandpa from mum's side, grandpa from dad's side, grandma from mum's side and grandma from dad's side, I saw them lying deadly in their last sleep. I will die one day, maybe sooner or later, one way or the other. It is likely I get cancer because two grandparents from my mum's side were died from cancer. When my mum's mother left, I was 14, a couple years after my dad's mother passed away. I miss them all, sometimes including my dad who caused me a lot of unhappy childhood memories. Maybe I was really a very naughty and disobedient child. Death is a such a tough thing, the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to deal with the concept and the more scared that people around me might leave some day or I might leave them one day. I still remember so many things that at least shows I am alive. Being able to remembering my past keeps me alive, I think.

Emotional roller coaster!

I cannot stop thinking about sad things after another fight with D. He would not care if I leave this world after all we would not go to the same place anyway. I can't sense it when I am affected by the bad emotion, instead, what he says and how he reacts just make the whole thing worse. He just cannot or do not want to get it. He is not willing to share his feelings which he claims that he does not have. I asked him to recall a few happy memories in childhood, after just one try which was his 15th birthday, he shut down completely not even mentioning the question of a few unhappy memories. He turned around and said that he did not have those memories, and that account just made me feel that he got impatient with why I asked the question. I went to explain why I asked the questions and further described some details from the documentary I just watched. He went all resentful and confirmed that he did not remember or think about happy or unhappy memories. To me, the way of thinking is just not humane. Unless, he deliberately shut down the memory or was too impatient to bother to say anything. Either way makes me feel insulted. " how stupid you just asked that question?" kept running in my head. To me these questions and the answers with the interpretations are quite relevant to what happened to me. That's how every time the old sad memories affect me with my emotional roller coaster. Early emotional memories do affect one's life satisfaction of later adulthood. I lost my grasp, felt angry, even raged, and threw things on the floor. I did remember clearly how he had recalled to me that his mum threw something at him and broke his forehead (and he made sure that I heard him saying "I don't want my kid to have that"); how he enjoyed trips with his farther along. I got even more angry because it was obvious to me that he either didn't care about what I said or would not like to share his feeling with me at all. He confirmed that he did not think that way. Of course not, otherwise why would it be a question. I don't understand why he is so denial and defensive if he does not have anything to hide. Even so, he is busy right now (so do I), can't he just say "maybe we should discuss this question some other time, it will take a long time." Why does he have to be so brutal and hostile about my question and invitation to discussion? I don't understand whether I have issues or he indeed does. I don't understand why it makes me feel that his emotional life is so much more superior than mine that he would not want to share and bother to care about mine.

A chick's evening!

Came back around mid-night and soaked like a chick in soup. That was actually the end of my Friday chick's night with other chicks over on the island. Expensive meals with some wine and nice talks but I did not feel as comfortable especially with one very bossy chick among us. She made the order of all side dishes and wines without consulting all the other five girls around. At the end of the meal when it was time to pay, she was the one decide who should pay how much. Who did she think she is?

a sex starved wife

Our sex life sucks! Because of it, we just had a big fight. I tried to initiate the sex when he came back from home, without any comforting he brutally turned me down. I felt so unwanted, left alone and very unattractive, then this sadness turned into anger and moody. I thought I might be getting too emotional, so I went out for a walk. It helped a little and calmed me down but not until I saw him again and he pretended there was nothing happening. Sat in front of my computer and browsing websites that have the help links, I found that I am one of sex-starved wives. http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1728520,00.html?imw=Y
There I encouraged myself to talk with him, like usual talks we had, it led to a big fight. I told him how frustrated and confused I was when I was turned down shortly. He depended himself that he had given me signals not wanting sex. I told him that was not the real point, the point was that he did not talk me through it and treated me as I was a horny chick. Even, in the end he commented "you are a horny...". I totally dislikes his attitude towards the whole thing, instead of a nice talk, the initiated talk turned into a big fight which will probably take us a few days to really forget it. Long forget about the sex but the frustration and anxiety are still within... only really loud coldplay will help at this moment...

Morning

What a strange morning that I could not wake myself up even with so much noise outside. I have finally convinced myself to start typed a little bit something so that hopefully I will get into the mode of typing more again. At least my chest pressure is gone and I don't feel headache this morning. David suspected that it was because I was too stressed, that anyway. I actually think it is the weather here and I am so sensitive towards the weather here. Low pressure and high humidity which makes me feel that I am soaked in steaming air everyday. David suggested to turn on the aircon just to reduce the humidity and that actually helped so much so the whole last night I did not move much even without the Pzizz music. I have a dilima situation here. if I open the window I will get some air (can't say it is fresh) but it is so noisy with the whole filed of machines that move thousands of containers outside the window. Very occasionally, I can get cool air and quietness at the same time but that won't last more than one minute. So in the end, my nerves tell me that I had close the window as the noise level is getting to high.

PMS

Every single time, it gets me just like a snap. All worked-up, moody, uncomfortable with my boobs and headaches. Any symptom, you name it... well finally I am in general feel calm again...
It is 5 to midnight again, only it is this time I feel extremely calm and clear minded. Of course, it is also the time I feel like starting my own work when my sleeping clock is ticking. After a whole procrastinating, finally there is nobody bothers me again, no meal to eat, no phone call to pick up, no yoga class to attend, no friends to see, and enough news, documentaries, films, TV series that I have checked with. I have put my writing project to the last although it is my very first worry. I know that I can finish it but don't understand what exactly is stopping me. I just couldn't say cut for myself when I was so consciously know what I have been doing. Only it is at the time of a day, I feel I am settled into my mind that I have shut everything outside world from me because they are all sleeping or ready to sleep now. What an interesting mentality here that I eager to gain in the morning.

A nightmare

He is a worst possible asshole in my dream and I feel so embbarassed and extremely. It seems that he always think how things should happen in a certain way. When things go different, he become impossible to handle in terms of conversation wise. He will shoot back what ever anyone says that doesn't sound alright to him viciously and mercilessly. There he is arguing with the secretary about his visa again. "I told you if it is one year multi-entry visa", "yes, I know you did, but the new regulation at least for now it doesn't work that way. You can only apply for a single entry for three months" "that's complete b*******, f*** hell" " excuse me"? He is dragged away and left the secretary almost in tears. He goes to his best friend, A's table. A is a quite guy, doesn't have any conflict with almost anyone, a complete contrast with D. Only, if he gets drunk and he negs in low voice. He never raise his voice in public unlike his good friend D, who doesn't care who and how many people around. There, there Obviously he is arguing with his nurse now. His nurse is a guest of the party.... I can see myself slowly hiding away and look for an exit to escape. Then I woke up...

Sleepless...

Every day there are two difficult periods time for me, one is the time to get up in the morning and the other is now, time to sleep. Lying on my bed, my thoughts like cloud spurts before the gloomy Hong Kong rain. It was a definitely action film repeating one thought of whether I should go to Beijing next week. One reason is that I haven't seen my sister for about two years and probably won't see her for the next half a year before the Chinese new year. She is my only sister, a younger one, although we are not very close. There are something that we don't like about each other. Another reason, going back there to see some friends who I knew when I was there about one year ago. Especially some of them are leaving Beijing for good, so we may not see each other for ever. What's more? these friends seemed more interesting than people I have met in Hong Kong, so far. Much less business like, I may put it. One more reason, it gives me something distraction from too intensive writing processes that I am going through. I am imagining myself sitting on the train and knowing my way around Beijing. However, nobody really expect me to go there... maybe I should leave it until later

a fresh start

After a whole day pottering around, today is a new start for to concentrate on my writing now. Hong Kong is not a pleasant place in May or June in terms of its miserable weather. The humidity is a killer and somehow it feels like worse than that in Wuhan in Summer. Low pressure together with the humidity press against my chest, I just couldn't help hiding in air-conditioning room which I dislike very much. There is no other way apparently. Anyway, back to my day today, what I would like to achieve today is writing a paragraph or two; making a list of things that I would like doing but too emotional to do sometimes; arranging my books and giving them a better order; going to a coffee shop to read after all these having been done to celebrate my little steps. Let me do it.

Morning after a good-night sleep!

I always feel much better after a good night sleep. The whole world is different... we made up... David and I finally after a few days fighting... it is quite different from usual. I feel we both have learned something that we never really considered before. For me, that is compassion. That sounds quite weird in this context, isn't? As I explained in my last post, compassion is something that you feel for someone else. Today, it is the first time for a very long while that we really feel for each other. It was very romantic as well. He cooked some Peruvien dishes that he was familiar with and invited me for the dinner. The effort earned its own credits. I loved it, not just that I loved the exotic tastes of the dishes, but the effort. But more important is that, he appears to be compassionate with what's around, what I said and things that happened then. It was the first time that we discussing about serious topics without misunderstanding each other. We are more compassionate with each other.

About compassion

Came across a youtube video about a child protody today. This kid graduated from Washionton University with three degrees at age of 14 and just is doing his PhD on Neuron science at age 16 at Stanford University. He is outstanding athelet winning competition in swimming and thirantholon. During his spare time, he and his brother started an organization called the Worlds' children aiming to help children from developing and underdeveloped countries. When his father was interviewed about what else is important apart from his academic education, his father replied "compassion, we educate him to be compassionate about things and the world around". I was soon attracted by the concept being compassionate. What is compassion? The clearest definition is from Wikilipedia so far "Compassion is an understanding of the emotional state of another or oneself. Not to be confused with empathy, compassion is often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another or to show special kindness to those who suffer. However, compassion may lead an individual to feel empathy with another person."
Almost all major religions in the word talk about compassion. “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience”

Bible quotes

Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.”

Buddha quotes (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)

“Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion.”

Dalai Lama quotes (Head of the Dge-lugs-pa order of Tibetan Buddhists, 1989 Nobel Peace Prize, b.1935)

“A religious man is a person who holds God and man in one thought at one time, at all times, who suffers harm done to others, whose greatest passion is compassion, whose greatest strength is love and defiance of despair.”

Abraham J. Heschel quotes (Jewish theologian and philosopher, 1907-1972) In addition,

“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

Albert Einstein quotes (German born American Physicist who developed the special and general theories of relativity. Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921. 1879-1955)

Another huge explosion

Another huge explosion just set off between David and I. Shouting and yelling like flood that were unstoppable. It all came because I was giving David nutrient tablets and he refused to take it by repeating " I don't want to take it" ten to twenty times. He wouldn't listen to my reasoning and every time I started to say something, he repeated the same sentences to me over and over again like a spoiled child. I wouldn't get this angry if he didn't take the tablets the last couple of days. He took them without any complains, it appeared to me that he had accepted the necessity of taken those. All of the sudden, he felt that I was in control of him. At first, his behaviour was bit funny to as he repeated the same sentences over like a kid and I was laughing as well. Then he just shut me out completely by not allowing me to say anything. I blew up! I am giving him those for his health save, not mine. He drank coke, coffee and beer one after another in the middle of night very often. He eats like and sweats like a xxx usually... I am really worrying about his health. Maybe it is relevant that by giving those health tablets would make me feel slightly better. He doesn't appreciate it ... sod it... I'd better take care myself then.

Not an office person!

A little bit sick with office politics... I have always trying to keep away from it but as sensitive as I am it is much of effort. Maybe I would be good at politics, especially on public relations but that has far passed by my personal interests. More importantly, I don't appreciate that people profit by playing power. We all are exercising our power every day even maybe when we have passed away, we still will do. It is just that we wouldn't know about it. The point is there are just only certain things I would like to care about and exercise my power on. The office politics comes the least of my interests, but sometimes when I am in the situation, I just couldn't pretend I am blind or deaf. I probably can put on my earphone and just looked at my own computer screen. Things do happen around. The problem is the more I try to ignore, the more I am bit curious what is happening out there although I may not like what I see and hear at all. Would it be much more efficient if I just work from home. I just completely miss the point that I have to go to the office two and half days a week while I could do my work at any locations I choose, and that includes my home or coffee shop. However, just by staying in the office makes me more aware how precious the time I have at home. I am completely against anti-social and I am not, but it is better not to intervene my social life with work. Don't know if it is wise enough, but it would suit me the most at the moment.

Life is around work at the moment

I don't even remember if I said this before or not. It is getting late for me that I can't even think properly. I am writing for two projects that can be equally important for my career development. I hate to say it " career development". Partially it is true, yes if I can get them published, it would give me some credits on my study and future job hunting. Never mind, I actually see the double booked writing projects as precious development into becoming a good writer. Don't ask me what kind of writer yet. At this stage, I just want to write down what I think of my interested topics, most of them related to what I am working on. That's all what I am aiming for... Write clearer, concise, in my own style... The first two points were given by one of my English teacher in the past, either Patrick or some one I worked with. The last one I insist... Style is some concept that I can't really work on, it just develop gradually depending on how much I communicate or interact with the others either in words or verbally. Somehow, it doesn't sound right... I need my bed now.

What a beautiful morning !

Although it is Tuesday, it feels like Monday because yesterday was the public holiday- Buddha's birthday. We did not go out and celebrate it mainly because they might have been may people out there. Instead we stayed int yesterday to get ready to work again, even though our friends invited us to a beach. It was very tempting as the weather was gorgeous. For me, it is just not alright to leave work for too long, especially nowadays I haven't found my work routine yet. This vital important as doing a PhD is about developing my own work routine. I had the discussion with David and also looked online to see what other PhD students or grads would say about their PhD life. There was almost one unitary voice among all that being an PhD student or academic, I need to be very well disciplined with my time and work. No one will push me behind, no one will guide me much in front. I need to take initiatives in fulfilling many projects. What is troubling me very much is the writing processes. For that, the best advice I have received is that write something every day instead of waiting until finishing up all the reading.
I guess my future supervisor want to train me from now on. She set myself into writing a book chapter with her for the deadline of August. Believe it or not, I have signed up for it. Well of course I would when I am asked to do so and my name will be in the first author. It also means that I will write almost all the chapter by myself. It is exciting but I start to realize it is also a tough job now. According to the word limit, I need to writing 1000-2000 words every week in order to keep up a good pace.
It is me always challenging myself with some tasks that I am not complete sure how I can finish it. I am biting my lips... but also typing continuously.

What can be told today?

Run to many errants in the office today. It seems that Monday is about running for errants so the rest of the week I can start to focus on writing for the project. I discovered a book that is written for ESL learning. It included most of the words that I would like to say but not quite yet. That is great because it left me some space to extend my thoughts. It is laughable that I decided long ago that I would not doing any thing related to English teaching. Ironically, I am writing about it and people pay me to research on and write about it. Well, can't complain too much about it. Although I have not thought much about the topics either on EFL teaching or metacongitive knowledge in English learning. They are very closely linked to each other, although close, they are still two departments in a big school. Anyway time to bed, leave the thinking to tomorrow.