What can be told today?

Run to many errants in the office today. It seems that Monday is about running for errants so the rest of the week I can start to focus on writing for the project. I discovered a book that is written for ESL learning. It included most of the words that I would like to say but not quite yet. That is great because it left me some space to extend my thoughts. It is laughable that I decided long ago that I would not doing any thing related to English teaching. Ironically, I am writing about it and people pay me to research on and write about it. Well, can't complain too much about it. Although I have not thought much about the topics either on EFL teaching or metacongitive knowledge in English learning. They are very closely linked to each other, although close, they are still two departments in a big school. Anyway time to bed, leave the thinking to tomorrow.

A turning point

Things will move on its own way not matter you are worried about it or not. As I was trying my best to do my job and expect nothing than peace and quiet between Alice and me, the conflict between her and me works out its own way. As I was wondering how to phrase my resignation and where to celebrate my freedom after this month, an email sending from my future supervisor inviting me writing a book chapter with her (with me as the first author). Of course, I am ecstatic and lifted up quite a bit. That means between the end of my current job and my PhD study I will have a solid target to work on. Having the thought that this is going to be my first English language publication, the enjoyment is undescrible. The only problem would be that David and I would be in Europe during my writing process, but Cammie doesn't mind that at all as long as I could produce results. I love it... this is a dream situation. I have always had the dream that I could become a writer so that no matter where I go, I could just write for living. Go jump off the bridge, my current boss! She wanted me to have done a research and had one to two paper published in three months. In her wild dream of becoming young again, maybe. She let out the words to the other colleagues that she was doubting about my research ability and ready to let me go. I was of course very angry and ready to just get my pay and make her just kiss my ass. The next thing I know is that she is offering me a three months half-time contact to finish with my project. Without seeing her every week, and have more free-time typing and researching on the topic I am interested in. My ego let me go ahead despite of all the fuss about it. Business is business! She wants publication, and I am interested in offering it as I have worked so long for it, plus I got my holiday time, therefore I went ahead. David thinks that I am crazy to agree to continue working with her, but I think it is more for myself than for her. To finish up the current research and write about it is will be my main job description. There will be no more of her changeable nonsenses on this project and that project that she had no commitment about. Most importantly, she apologizes for not giving me enough support and values very much of my contribution to her kingdom come. Yeah, right! She wants to see result, so do I ... therefore I agreed ... Deal with the challenge is in my hand now...

David's birthday!

Today is David's birthday! He is a happy man with everything he gets for his birthday, even for cooking meal for friends on this day. This happens every rare for him as he regards cooking work and effort. I don't quite agree with his belief on cooking, but today he really have put lots of effort into it. It was great fun cooking with him actually especially today he is totally relaxed to do so. We invited two couples to come, one couple knows about David's birthday and the other doesn't. It was in the morning that the couple who has a kid phoned to cancel the dinner together as their kid was having big trouble and just was diagnosed gastritis..., a kind of disease which makes people puke and have diarrhea. The weather has been rather nasty at the moment, humid with low pressure. It often makes me feel uneasy with breath. We were wondering whether that was one of the causes. Anyway, it was a pity that they could not come to the party. As we cooked and appreciated the source we are making, the colourful peeper containing spiced rice with sweet pee, minced beef, cheese and several other ingredient... I asked David to phone the other couple guest and tried to find out where they are now as we didn't want the food too hot or too cold. He phoned and phoned, no one answered the call. In 10 seconds, one beaming light indicated that I got a message. " my girlfriend didn't feel well this afternoon, looked like I have to take her to hospital, very sorry, looks like we are going to miss your dinner." I couldn't believe, we couldn't believe what just happened. A minute ago, we phoned and nobody answered the call, and the next minute, canceled the dinner with a message. David and I felt much offended that they didn't even have decency to phone us back and explain what just happened. Did someone really die or have an accident? Putting aside our feeling, we prepared four to five people's meal and now it will keep us full for the whole next week (a bit exaggeration). Somehow, I feel like been dumped over just a massage, a massage far from convincing. Maybe there is really something urgent happened and we would have no problem of that. This way, only makes me feel that they were lying for their forgetfulness. I took it very personal at least... David didn't seem to care that much but I could tell he felt surprised of what they did. This couldn't just escape from my mind and I would like to try to find out what happened. We didn't call them. David tried to defend for them and said that in Hong Kong when people feel embarrassed, they will do things like this to avoid embarrassment. Does it really save every one's face and avoid the embarrassing moment? I don't understand... is it Hong Kong culture? definitely not Chinese culture that I know of.

Meeting phobia

For some reason, I feel very uneasy to realize that I am meeting my boss in half an hour. Somehow, she makes me feel reluctant to have any contact with her because she is disgusting using one adjective to describe her. I know it sounds a bit harsh but there is just no other word that can substitute this one which is the best portrait for her. Still, I will have to go. Work is work! I just have to remember to listen and not to respond to any stupid ideas. No CBM, no software designing, nothing...
It sounds a little bit like I am afraid of her. Not at all, she could try to scare me with those old tricks like canceling my trip to Beijing three days before the trip, threatening me not to renew my contract if didn't publish paper in three months, provoking me by telling me that I didn't have any idea of what I am talking about in front of my colleagues (luckily all my colleagues know what kind of person she is and are on my side, although nothing they can do about it). Those things do irritate me but never intimidate me.
It is simply that I don't want to see her face, hear her voice, nothing about her...

Feeling good...

I think I broke up my writing block just by typing and typing, typing anything that was in my mind, my frustration, my any thoughts related to the topic I was working on. It worked and I am almost ecastatic about it. Just I was still merging in the enjoyment of writing my way through and treated myself with a power yoga session, I got a phone call from Ms Zhu that Alice was asking for me about the meeting tomorrow. Suddenly I felt a cloud is flying towards me. Reluctantly, I had to phone her back. She wasn't criticizing, instead, she sounded light. She wanted me to find the exact articles that I sent her a list for and commented that they seem quite positive. Yeah, all positive again... she suddenly find a saver... wait until she realize that how difficult that is to really conduct... But it is what I have been working on any way... the research questions and designs... would be very interesting to find out how the Reading Recovery programme works on Chinese children in the Chinese foreign language teaching context. Anyway, I will just continue working on the literature review which kept giving me writing blocks. In the end, I am very looking forward to seeing what comes out of it. Wait, write and see... just don't think too big of yourself...

Emotion, emotional, emotionaly low

Why do I feel low and unmotivated? Is it really work related? I know maybe work triggered my negative emotion. I am considering if the academic work is for me as it can get really boring especially when I have no idea what to think and write. when I am trying to put my thoughts into words, it changes all the time. I could not follow what my thoughts and continue what I plan to write about ...it is getting really boring. what is the point of doing research? My answer would be able to theorize some behaviourial patterns, some good experiences and some other aspect of life people share. why do i want to do research about young children's metacognition? Because that's what learners need in order to improve their performances in problem solving. when a foreign language learner is given a reading task, he is likely to use the most familiar strategies he knows in decode the written language, comprehend the text and make some sense out of what printed. How much he knows about himself being a language learner, how much he knows about the text and how well he can use the linguistic knowledge in decoding and comprehending the tasks are the concerns of metacognition.

Why Bitching

Almost spent my whole morning moaning about my boss with my colleagues, especially with the one who had similar experiences with me but I just needed to get that out of my system. I hope it works for me, at least it is working just fine with me. I wish I could learn how to be less emotional over people like Alice. I called her disgusting and it is fair. I wish also that I could really care much less about things that are not important. How to care less about things that aren't important to you? If I cannot stopping caring about things that I think they are not important to me, does that mean that actually those things are in fact important to me. I want to be more resilient towards the negative emotions, but it seems that the more I reject them the more I am affected. Stop bitching now... start working...

Getting preganant V.S. getting a PhD

This ambition just couldn't escape me in the slightest, the ambition of getting pregnant and a PhD at the same time. As a result of my effort in getting a PhD, I have finally received an offer with scholarship doing a PhD with my preferred supervisor in Hong Kong. Unlike the offers I received from Oxford the last two time, I am not as excited as I was with the result. I am thinking of more in life now. A child... I am ready, he is ready... we both are ready physically and mentally. What exactly will be the challenge, we don't know. How can I manage both tasks? It is the question I am searching answers for...