What a long day!

It is 7 to 9 in the evening.What a long day! I have been here for 12 hours. Maybe I should start earlier tomorrow so that I can go home much earlier as well.

About age...

"Pick up a psychology book and look up teenager topics" said he with his eye brow frowned like a piece of crumbled leather. "I treat you as my friend and tell you my trouble, you turn around and think I am a teenager." I protested. " Are you trying to behave like the father of a teenager and treat me as if I am a teenager?"
What my problem was that I became very conscious of my age nowadays especially around my colleagues who are much younger than me, about 5 to 10 years younger. I am not lying about my age but everytime they try to find out my age and I feel very sensitive about it. I really wish they'd rather not to talk about my age at all. However, being around them increasingly remindes me of that I am older than then. So what? I didn't care about it at all.
I tried to talk with him about my trouble, but all the replies I have got from him were that why you always socialise with them, blablabla... "you didn't put your ring on the right finger... you haven't accepted who you are yet..."
Are there any models one should behave according to his age? Obviously he thinks that I am not behaving as my age. It was impossible to carry on further conversation with him anymore, can't really afford to witness more crumbled leather on his face!

Lost in messes

Fear, anxiety, and frustration flood all over me that I couldn't take a breath. It is going to be compeletly over if it goes on like this. I want and need to be stronger at the moment. There is nothing much that I think I can do to make things work again for us unless maybe we both try but it is very unlikely to happen at the moment. He viciously pushed me out of the room and angrily ended the conversation after I started to talk with him last Sunday evening by asking him" do you think that I am difficult to communicate with?". I don't know how I can bend over any more while giving myself some respect. We live in different planets. He loves staying in, reading (long time), watching video clips, no social life and his work at the moment. But I love staying in occassionally for weekend but going out for walks is always nice option for me. I love doing yoga, sports too (badmiton, pingpong, volleyball...however haven't played them for ages), I also enjoy reading, watching films, sometimes cooking and shopping. But more so I like social life that doesn't require everyday partying. Everything is going well with him and he doesn't want to ruin it, I understand. The same applies to me as well. I am keeping my work in control but it seems everything else is falling apart. In order to be with him, I have given up so much the last 8 years. My jobs, family, and friends... I have been submissive to him and appolagetic about fights we both have faults for.
Now, when I start to stand for myself, he is not used to it anymore. If things that he does not care, it is fine. But if he cares about certain things, there is no compromising can be expected from him. He cares about his own time and that is great, but he wants to spend those time on things he appreciates. If he has to spend sometime that he doesn't have much interests in, he seems there but he is not. He prefers to spend time by himself. This can go on and on...
There are some fundamental differences between us in terms of time, social life, hobby, personality in general. Now at least I realize those problems, he thinks that is my problem.
All I can think of now, is doing my own work and concerntrating on things I can do. Do what ever I can do to make the best out of these three years.

That's it!

He literally shove me out of the room in the middle of our conversation. That's it. I see this as the end of our relationship. We have had so many times like this before, but this is the end of the end. We both admited to each other that we feel very stressful with each other's presence. He went all so red and worked up. I am so glad that I didn't shout or yeal this time. My emotion is in control but I just could not help crying now because that I know that this relationship is approaching to the end. We have nothing else to say to each other except for his work stuff or anything he downloaded online. The conversation is over when he wants to call that it is over.

Getting emotionally just like that?

Feeling stuck somewhere is how I feel when I get emotional and slightly depressed. No one can help, not even someone who is closest to me at the moment. There is always something wrong between us no matter how I try. We just can not be compatiable with each other. I don't hate him but rather hate myself not being able to free myself from this deteriating marriage. This is the first time in a month I am pitying myself like this. Of course, there is a cause that the chemistry is just not there anymore and I don't feel loved in this relationship although he announced that he loved me every now and then. What kind of love is that? close relative? I have to be strong on this no matter how I am going to bear this for the next three even four years. I just need take what ever the consequences and work very hard to finish my PhD and get as many paper published as possible. Nothing else is that important anymore. Who cares how you feels now? Who cares about the quality of your marriage? Get on and live with it. Sieze my day and do something useful...