be happy!

It is really very effective on me; if I am not happy about something, I just won't have sound sleep. Last night was so, dreams popped in my head were all a bit tensed with some serious feeling, although I don't remember any of them.

资本主义中国在我家

刚刚看了People's Republic of Capitalism的第一部分，急着想继续看第二部分，老公拦住了说留着这个周末享用。这是一个非常脍炙人口的话题，中国的发展同世界的融合，这段记录片更多谈论的是同中国同美国在全球化中的利益之争。中国的资本主义发展到底收益何人，又伤害何人。片中50岁的美国下岗女工在描述工厂关闭的最后一天坚持到最后一个刻时说：“他们付了我八小时工钱，我要做到最后一刻。”她是廉价的中国劳动力成本的受害人的代表之一。虽然工作没有了，她仍可以开着大马力汽车到沃尔玛消费廉价的中国造商品。当视线回到中国工厂一个生产线上17岁的女工面前时，小女孩一个星期挣得仅是相同工种美国人一个小时的薪水，消费不起自己手上制造的DVD放影机，根本不用谈拥有一辆车。拥有一辆车是当今中国中产阶级的梦！在中国，最‘滋润’的一个群体应该是资本家一族了，他们累积了一定的资产,可以做到随心所欲挥霍，是中国大众的奋斗目标。这一群体大多是典型的暴发户类型，没有品味，唯一的‘品味’是所有能让他们在众人面前炫耀的商品，诸如路易威登，宝马之类的东西。就像我有一亲戚买了一A货的路易威登皮包，在我们面前宣称如此划算正逢品牌打折只花两千块就买到手了。好奇的我不由上前探究一下，LV哪有用塑料吊牌的，粗心的亲戚没有舍得将其摘下。呵呵是一仿货，还在这么多人面前炫耀，尤其是一大群每月收入只有2000块的亲戚们面前展示其品味。何况中美之间的利益悬殊，在一个大家庭中这种悬殊就足以制造出一些稀奇古怪的现象。这种时候，总是有人欢喜，有人忧伤，有人忿忿不平，有人自叹不如，有人置之不理，更有人沾沾自喜。

疗毒

今天待在家里疗毒，清明节回老家武汉带回来的感冒病毒。很少感冒的人，这一次有点不知原由的着了凉。也许是武汉的脏细菌被我吸食，也许是精神压力被抽去，身体防御系统也松懈下来，让有机会在武汉这个地方肆意横行感冒病菌钻了一个空子，真有点冷不丁！原本回武汉之前就思想压力很大，想到要见到那些久违的亲戚不知说什么就觉着别扭。这也是父亲去世后第一次专程清明回家上坟，不知不觉在外已经漂泊了七年。我很明白亲戚们对我的看法，不是我对她们的评论特别在意，但是却是一种舆论压力。我没有按照任何人为我预想的道路去发展，包括我的父母，亲戚，朋友或是工作上的导师，而是选择了一条曲折而并未成功的发展路线。她们不明白我为什么跟着一个漂泊的外国人在国内外到处走而没有安下一个家，意思是没有买下一个房子。因为我们绕着大半个地球跑，她们对我的生活似乎很羡慕但又嗤之以鼻，这么多年，连个房子都没有。 所以和他们见面坐下聊天的话题中免不了再次提到买房的话题。这些亲戚中，大部分都是地主，有大号点的地主，房产四五处，厂房一二地，生活完全靠这些地产养活；也有小号一点的地主，一两套百平米的住宅楼，在银行上班；向我妈这样的，自住一套三室一厅的独身女人在他们面前还觉得自卑，因为她还算不上地主。不仅仅是这些亲戚，我的一些老朋友也劝说我买一套房产因为房价一定会上涨的,买一套等着升值。我相信她们都是出于中肯的善意，可是也不由让我反思买房是适合每个人的投资方式吗？对很多人来说，买房是一种安心丸，有了房，就有了生活的保障。以这种价值观来评判我的处境，也就是说我的生活是没有保障的。房子是一个固定资产，一个看得见、摸得着的实体，有了房子才更能显示经济实力。这样说来，我的经济实力并不雄厚。这些都是我的推断，这样的话并不便直接说给我听的，伤面子啊。这样看来，我的这些亲戚朋友们属于实际派的，生活就是实际的一砖一瓦。对我这样一个还生活在梦想中的人，担心这些似乎有些太油盐酱醋，婆婆妈妈了一些。买房的想法和冲动还不是没有过，说明我并不是不食人间烟火的。可每次尝试的尝试都以决定不买而告终。原因很多，资金不够、时机不成熟、地段不好的时候都有，但房子质量拙劣以及70年房产权是首当其冲不买房的根源。对于我们来讲，买房并不是一种投资的手段。这种投资自己可掌控的余地相对狭小。在加上我们身处异地,手续操作极为不便。可是每次回家，还是会受到亲戚们这样善意劝慰所感染而变得有些焦虑。还真不是不想有个自己的地产，可是真是时机对我来说还不成熟。老公会说，我们买房干他们什么事，何必把他们的看法当真。我一时无语，口头不在乎不等于心理不在乎。毕竟她们是看着我长大的，对我了解二三分。这种在乎成为一种感情的链带，而非从行动上的改变。但是这种别扭的交流，现在的话说不和谐让我对回武汉一趟紧张不已。相反，妈妈对我们的生活了解了许多表示出一些理解，至少她没有象姨叔一样对我们有任何不符合我们现实的期望值。去武汉之前，我曾对老公说过，我想直面我的亲戚，因为我知道她们的期望值和价值观。我不想证明诸如我们生活很优越之类的看法，我只想发现我之所以去武汉前甚为焦虑的根源。我们都想靠近一些，可是我们生活在任何生活价值观的两个层面。所以，让靠近变得顺其自然一些吧！

What I want

What do I want? I want to sucessfully graduate from my PhD and find a stable job, at the same time to have a baby and settle down. He wants to go around and I am tired of wonder around without knowing where is home. I am tired of friends that are drift away from me because I or they moved. I would like to become a mother before my 36th birthday which is two years away. I do not want to move around anymore. I do not want to go to another country just because he has a new job there. I would like to go if I can also find a position there. I would like to have something that I could find myself in. I would like to enjoy myself and say things what I want to say without worrying being slapped around in cold tones or shushed. There are something that I really want to do in China alone. Like opening a bookstore for young people... do something help promting children's reading and writing ability... even I may want to write books for children...

Frustration!

It is all boiled up, the people talking in the office, constant moaning about her own sickness of a labmate, noice fromt the door opposite- a student society office, noise of eating like a pig-piada-piada; stress from him deciding on doing a theology PhD, stress from a peer winning an award with lots of research fund. I could not stay there any seconds longer and have just escaped from the premisis. I could not find peach with myself and I am not confident with myself. Dragging myself forward is a picture I could see right now. I too, enjoy learning and researching. But staying in that office do not make me feel enjoyable any longer...I don't want to leave but to produce something good. no distraction, no extra stress, i am doing it. Feeling guilty and ashamed not being able to produce a proposal in the original time. I was very sick...I would like to find a balance... meditating myself through this. This is never easy, but sometimes it is easier than the other. I could not let all these external noises distract me and drag me away... Be focused and concentrate...Maybe that's god is saying that we don't mean to be together...just let it be... things will work out in its own...i do not want to deal with anything I perceive as negative...like him doing another PhD in theology...i don't feel it is right for both of us...time, energy and strength...I don't want our life to be like his parents or brother as professional Christian. It really scares the hell out of me. Life is about appreciating what maybe gods create, and create something different. I do not like digging up history. There is no absolute truth, even God. It is getting traumatic for me as I take many things very serious and I envisage the dull pathways that lay in front of our life. Why could we explore our interests in a similar direction? What do I want to do? Finish my own PhD and find a job. I have plenty of interests that I would like to explore, but religion has never come to my vision. I respect people who believe in god and I too tries to learn a bit more. But I would not go that way, absolutely not. My mind is not as quiet as that was one weeks even a couple of days ago. It feels with these worries, concerns and stress, unecessary ones. I need to just try to focus on my own stuff.

No he does not care...

I have been in pain with my neck and head and came home in tears. He did not see, ask, and care to even get close to me. Cold blood, yeah that's the first word popped into my head. Why should he care? I didn't ask him, so there is no need. I guess. The thoughts of dying keep circling around my head. People who I know died from headache, suffered from brain tumor, or went abnormal in behaviour because of the tumor cells grew into the head. They were two acquaintances and the other one was my father. I am scared, very scared and also upset about my own situation. The headache has been there for about a week and I went to clinic at university, but no doctor was available for my problem. My whole head feels that filled with air and it is about to exploded from the back. It also feels that some airs trapped inside and could not come out at all. I need to get stronger... if he acts this cold towards me, how am I supposed to do? Be stronger and hold on until tomorrow so I can visit the hospital and have it check up. I thought being in relationship would at least give me some comfort. The way he went straight into his room after making the dinner and close the door behind him, as if he threw a handful of ice cubes at me. This is just how much he loves me, as he always claims. Just be stronger, either things will all be well, or be really bad. Either way I didn't come to this world in vain, though if I left, I would have some disappointments with me, but I guess I need to learn how to handle them myself, not relying on someone else.

How about?

I could hear his snoring...through the closing door...like an old man drinking a cup of hot tea and have to make the sound to show that it is hot, really? The energy drink is in front of me, I do not want to take it, it appears to me like poison and would ruin my night competely... let me sleep please, allow me to do so...
我的手指弹落在键盘犹如在弹钢琴一样，可是我不怎么会弹钢琴。我默默自语，无人知晓我的声音。但是没有关系，一点关系也没有，因为我知道我还在这里，不再别处。
不再留恋过去，留恋不属于自己幻想。看着朋友赠予的幸运熊，不知道她今夕是否幸运。喜欢眼前有一排书的视觉效应，感觉有支撑不会太空。一切在我眼前都是静止的，包括鼾声阵阵丈夫。这一切将会静止下去直到明日清晨闹钟响起。我应该去睡觉，这样才能听到闹钟敲响。

Distored memory

It was a really strange day yesterday, things happend and I behaved in all very strange ways. Feeling old is a terrible feeling. It happens after I met an old friend not seen for 4 years, but she just looked so much like a housewife and not a happy one with some bitterness. I didn't like the feeling of meeting her at all and had to sit there listen to all her office politics, what's more how she felt sorry for herself. It is so wiered when in the daytime, I was experiencing time moving forward but at night, the time was moving backward to me..

Feeling tired...

Don't know why. I feel really tired, of everything at the moment. Maybe I am coming to the low tide of emotion. Went shopping for the last two weeks to fully furnish our apartment. Now everything is almost settled, I suddently feel empty for some strange reasons. It is because of the PhD I am trying to work on, things are just not working the speed I wanted. I am not satisfied with the efficiency or dedication. I couldn't really say that I have put all my heart in. Should I? Working in this department, I feel very lonely given that lots of people surrounded. In some way, I feel I am working in the dark, every now and then there will be some one walking by holding a torch so that I could borrow some lights. I just don't feel I have enough energy and brain power to handle all these... emotionally. 'who asked you to react emotionally?'. You don' t have to, what would man do? Just deal with it... deal with your problems and combat it... no emotion, just action... pack your tears, 'there is just so much to do, i don't think I can handle them all..' do it one thing after another, do it in the way that takes least of your effort and efficient results... do it smartly... you don't have to be perfect, you don't need to be perfect because no one is...but I just feel I am not really responsible for what I do anymore, I want to feel that I am responsible..things are not mutually exclusive... you need to learn more tricks to juggle and when you finish juggling learn how to unwire things...how hard do I have to push myself? I feel I have pushed so far that I am losing my power...really? you are strong, you just need to collect yourself together and fight... remember when you are doing yoga? after 30 minutes you wanted to give up because it is either boring or getting too hard... but you stay on and on... you have done it so many other things in the same way... why can't you do this? because this is so much hard! my brain hurts when I just think about writing up things... or dealing with teaching there... I need holiday to reboost... 'do take a holiday' . the problem is tha I needed so many that I can't really afford. I have lost my previous weekend to work related or moving flat realted things, I couldn't really relax anyway...every hour I take a rest, I am losing time to work more efficiently... 'you are going into a vicious circle at the moment... why feel guilty? things happen, good or bad... move on and do what you can do... and ' but I really axious, anxious that I might not be able to finish the manuscript, works for the independent study and my own phd proposal in time... when everything are jointed together...i feel i am lossing the grib. There is no other way out...dear...follow what you have to do to combat your fear, your anxiety and your frustration... let them go so you can start working...

Reality checking...

what would make me happy? A baby... then what? Is that a time someone has enough of a baby? I am sure there is but am I that sort? Having a baby is a just nice idea. After pondering about the idea for so long and not being able to suceeding any, not that we have tried, we have not even tried yet. Talking about the idea for so long, both of us are getting frustrated because the conclusion is always 'not now'. The reason so far is that I am doing a PhD and it is such a hardwork, I am warned that having a baby now would be suicidal for my PhD. No one wants to see that, but also no one knows if it will definitely happen. What is reality? reality is that I can't afford to have a child now. Or can I?

a fight is a fight

For some reason, I am hoping for Typhone 8 arrive in Hong Kon at some point soon. Maybe in that case, I don't have to go out any more. Staying at home is such a luxurary thing and I am enjoying it.
It looks like we can live like this for a long long time. It won't do any good for either of us. So I decided to call a meeting between him and I. So I started the talk...
2:37pm
Are you still angry? do you think you need a bit more time to stay apart? I am not angry anymore for a couple of days. I think maybe today is a good time after a week of cooling down ourselves. So, I would like to call for a meeting to solve the conflict between you and me, calmly, if you are willing to as well.
2:37 PM
I am not angry either.
2:38 PM
We can probably sit down for a 'meeting'...
2:39 PM
Can you come home early today then?
2:39 PM
Early as in what time?
2:40 PM
as early as you can.
2:41 PM
I can probably make it for around 4pm.
2:41 PM
(Unless something comes up, which is unlikely, though)
2:42 PM
4 is ok for me.
2:42 PM
would be great if you can print out pages from the following webistes and bring them back: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/The_3_Biggest_Mistakes_Couples_Make_to_Kill_the_Passion.html
2:43 PM
http://creativeconflicts.com/2008/10/5-tips-to-conflict-proof-your-marriage-raising-your-happiness-by-eliminating-the-stress-of-conflict/
2:43 PM
can you do that?
2:43 PM
working on it
2:43 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/comm_conflictstyle.shtml
2:45 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/comm_productive.shtml
2:45 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/comm_makepeace.shtml
2:46 PM
they are just from the same websites.
2:46 PM
I noticed...
2:46 PM
thanks and see you at 4 then.
2:47 PM
See you at 4
A meeting is set, so let's see how it will go. Things I think that should be disscussed: 1. how to spend weekend. 2. how to deal with our differences in lifestyle (lesisure time). 3. how to better communicate with each other. 4. how to make effort to make more friends.

the fight goes on...

This is the fourth day we haven't speak to each other. Feels so odd, but at the same time it is expected. It would be really rare for him to start to speak with me face to face. He likes a bit teasing and watering down everything. We are both stubborn, but this time I have to insist doing so because I do not want to take any his attitude anymore. Everytime, it was me who finds him and make over, at least last four or five times. This time, I will not and I think I deserve better than this. It is not that I can't do it again, but I think he does not really care much about it, or care enough about it. Marriage between us is more like old couple's. Eating and sleeping separately, avoiding seeing each other, arguing a lot during the weekend (we seldom have good weekend together). Together we watch a lot of videos, other than that we don't have any social life. He was never initiating to make friends other than people of the care group from his church. I was a total different person, not religious and like making friends. With him, I just feel I am a different person, somehow behaving the way he is expecting me to be given that he does not make any initiation of making new friends.
After talking with yara, I felt slightly better although that big knot is still hanging in my chest. I am going to hold on for another day because I know god knows how this will turn out. God, please give me wisdom and patience to deal with the tough situation right now. All will be well.

Life with peace!

what a day! A day without the man. Everything is calm inside me, and everything goes well and in peace, which surprises me a lot. Yoga helps me to concentrate on things that matter and ignore things that are disturbing. It is a dicipline to self-control my thoughts, but I am trying to managing them well so far. The thoughts of separating from him is so strong that I found myself cooling down from the anger. I am not angry with him that much anymore, but I know it is not going to work out between him and me. All these time I have been telling myself trying live with reality, trying accept the reality, but the more I try, the more I find myself squeazed into a corner that I could not get out and find it difficult even to breath. It is really difficult to live with him without worry and nervousness. The fights and row between us become draining and pointless. Once the decision is made and I am trying to live with the fact that we are living separate lives together. I suddenly feel relieved for many reasons. I need to relax a little bit more and enjoy my own life, instead of negotiating with his and trying to fit in his all the time. I don't think there is much to change in his life except for there is one less in his life, but for me my whole routine is different and a lot more livilier. Maybe it is still early to say things like these. I will keep live my own way and he lives his. We will see where the different ways take him and I to!

What more can I say about a man?

I don't think I like him at all with his sulkiness and spoiled-difficult child like. It is really boring living together with him if there is no films or TV series. He doesn't have any friends he could relate himself to at all in this town. Usually his lack of interests in making friends and outdoor activities drag me down as well. It is almost impossible to make friends that we both share good time with. We have such different tastes of things that are enjoyable to us as individuals. There is no sexual interests between us anymore, especially living in separate bedrooms because of his loud snore kept me up the whole night. He does not have any sex drive at all since his job got more and more stressful. He doesn't have any good ideas other than work. He is maybe good at his work but he sucks in private life. He is a lousy lover, especially when he couldn't care less...

An sulky evening

I am angry with myself that the evening went into a certain emotional dump for me. It started with me walking into the bathroom where he was taking a bath after watching Wang Xiaoshui's In Love We Trust. He asked me about the film and I told him about the film, but without me finishing, I could already see his impatience on his face. Expected he asked if I could keep an eye on some latest Chinese films for him because he needed form his work. No problem, of course. And I continued to tell him a few about several current director like Ning Hao, Lu Chuan. But he said nowadays the Chinese film was Nanjing Nanjing, and I corrected 'maybe there are actually other films as well like...". Maybe he didn't like my tone or so, the conversation sounded more and more like a competition until when we talked about a discussion on Wang Xiaoshuai's comment about directors of commercial films are not good directors. He mentioned 798 in Beijing was like that, I agreed but there was some disagreement on Ai Weiwei who is a famous Chinese artist, architecture and activist of human rights. We discussed some minor facts about him but the tension between us were rather heated. I just could not help noticing how much he wanted to sound that he knew more than I did. I really felt tired and even stressed about it. By now I don't even know if it is because of him or myself, I feel difficult to discuss with him about some simple subject. He needs absolute right, I need nice conversation although trying hard to ignore the difficulties with him.
The he dragged me to the bathtub, even so, that was not enough heat for us to enjoy much. Maybe I am down and saying so, what happened in the following didn't help with our intimacy at all. There was constant a few raw throughout until he picked on me putting feet on the bed. I lost my interests at all remaining engaging in any conversation with him and started to sulk until the fight broke up between us. What's wrong? I wish someone can help me to think here.

All is about cost

It was horrendous how much time and energy we spent on booking this expensive holiday(7 days arguing and searching for a 8 days holiday in Bali costed 12,300 HK dollar. It was extremely draining. It will be the last time we plan our holiday like this. I promise!!! We missed the best offer to travel to our planned destiny and afterward I completely lost in the middle of low cost and good quality holiday. The problem is that once we missed the best offer, there was no way we could get cheaper deal than that or better place with cheap deal. Things are just not perfect any more. I just could not deal with the imperfection and control the damage. It was not entirely true, we turned around to look at other options such as cheaper deal inside China, but that turned out to be disaster as well since I totally underestimated the prosperity of Chinese tourism. It was simply far more expensive than I expected. All is about cost, isn't it? How much you would spend on this and that? too much attraction and seductions of new thing, gadgets, things like ipod touch, things like noise-cancelling earphone, things also like pretty bags, shoes, and even gorgeous looking planner. Oh of course good books, food and others... A lot of mine time now is contributed to calculating the cost of things that I would like to buy and try to watch myself not to over-spend things that I don't definitely need, things like branded clothes, bags or maybe, no, not shoes. Shoes are slightly different story; they have to be comfortable, so comfortableness costs. There I go...

Angry with David

I feel I am slowly going mad, very mad. Just had huge fights with David one after another. Emotionally I am going more and more unstable with him. My whole body was shaking and I was sweating like I had run miles. Just one sentence, it blew everything up. When he hears things that he doesn't want to hear, he immediately freaks without any concerns of other's feeling. I feel so lonely and helpless in such situations. I don't have friends at work, at least friends who I can have decent conversations with. Daily life is even more emptier with no reliable friends around.
Fights between couples are just like sickness or illness. When you are having the sickness, you are totally disgusted and suffered in it and desperately wanted to get out as soon as possible. But once the illness is gone, the world is turned upside down.

I was lonely on Sundays...

I feel particularly lonely on Sundays when David and I are having a fight, then he went to church without me. He is a cold bastard... so cold as if there were nothing happened between us, neither fights or intimates.
I can't function properly at the moment as the fight I had with him just makes me want to leave this relationship and never come back. I do have my flaws and he has his. I nag him every now and then but never criticize him as severely as that. I was cooking, he tried to look for things to set up the table but could not find the settings. He went on asking " where is this? where is that? I can't find them". I was trying to fix 5 or 6 dishes at that time, so I didn't respond to him at all and took the harsh criticisms. He kept on and on... I think he had lost any interests or faith in me, and start to
Imagine I did exactly the same thing he did to me. He was busily cooking and I came around to look for stuff but couldn't find some. Then I started to blame him where he put all the stuff and whey everywhere was so messy.
He still did not say anything either apologetic or appreciating. He is trying to use his old way of getting back to me by teasing me, touching, pulling my hair and so on and so forth. It doesn't work for me anymore. He wants to play the little trick and win me back. No way, why doesn't he start to behave like a responsive adult this time and initiate a open talk with me, rather trying to treat me like one of his pets or so, patting me a few times and expecting me to forget about the fights we just had. Hooligan... total barbarian hooligan...a Chauvinist pig...

After the new year celebration...

Finally the celebration of the Chinese New Year is over for me although we are inviting a few friends to come over for dinner this weekend. Everytime back to my hometown, I always came back with bags of complexed emotions, new and old; positive and negative. Like yesterday I was trying to describe my feeling to Huiling, things are just so muddled up when wanted and unwanted mix with each other. Emotionally, I just could not handle well any more. Espeically when it comes to relationship, it is interesting to manage long-term relationship when they are your relatives .
What do you do when you are down?
a new perspective about love of family, for family...

Slow down...

Right after the first term for my PhD study, my whole body and mind still cannot adjust to the idea that my first real winter holiday has just started. My mind hasn't felt so fatige for a long long time. Being slightly fed up with Hong Kong or any walking around in Hong Kong, makes me feel extremely wiered. It is not my land, and I don't really like staying here but I have to. In fact, I didn't really like any place except for Bristol. My experience a few years back in Bristol was really an unique one that none of other places could compare with her. Friends, nice atomasphere, good study and a new era of my life made me really sentimental when leaving there. Maybe I am reinventing my memory with the city but comparing with all the cities I had lived in, Bristol was, still is the best by far. It does sound like I am complaining about Hong Kong, well who cares that I am complaing aobut HK anyway. This place is maybe our place to be after all. We just need to take our time to be used to the life style in reality. When we were in the time when everything seemed so ridiculous and not normal, we had fantasy of living in real life, more civilised world. We are now but facing some music that meant to be hard to hear or take in. In the past, it was almost that why ultrageous things happened, now in the real world we somehow missed that part of living on chaotic land which make us sane. In the real world where everything seems so regular and in order and that makes me at least feel slightly insane. Am i insane? For the very first time in my life, I left a bag of meat shopped at Jusco at Jusco cashier counter and no one reminded of me picking it up. My mind was fully occupied with stuff that why there are so many people and I am so sleepy. The instant result was that I could a dinner with meat I paid for, including pork, minsed beef, beaf, oyster and patato. Well, patato is not really meat, but anyway I left there and just went home with 3 heavy shopping bags. I don't think I would ever do that again, no matter shopping alone for some much stuff, or miss one bag of meat I paid for, or any bag of shopping I paid for.
That was that!