be happy!

It is really very effective on me; if I am not happy about something, I just won't have sound sleep. Last night was so, dreams popped in my head were all a bit tensed with some serious feeling, although I don't remember any of them.

资本主义中国在我家

刚刚看了People's Republic of Capitalism的第一部分，急着想继续看第二部分，老公拦住了说留着这个周末享用。这是一个非常脍炙人口的话题，中国的发展同世界的融合，这段记录片更多谈论的是同中国同美国在全球化中的利益之争。中国的资本主义发展到底收益何人，又伤害何人。片中50岁的美国下岗女工在描述工厂关闭的最后一天坚持到最后一个刻时说：“他们付了我八小时工钱，我要做到最后一刻。”她是廉价的中国劳动力成本的受害人的代表之一。虽然工作没有了，她仍可以开着大马力汽车到沃尔玛消费廉价的中国造商品。当视线回到中国工厂一个生产线上17岁的女工面前时，小女孩一个星期挣得仅是相同工种美国人一个小时的薪水，消费不起自己手上制造的DVD放影机，根本不用谈拥有一辆车。拥有一辆车是当今中国中产阶级的梦！在中国，最‘滋润’的一个群体应该是资本家一族了，他们累积了一定的资产,可以做到随心所欲挥霍，是中国大众的奋斗目标。这一群体大多是典型的暴发户类型，没有品味，唯一的‘品味’是所有能让他们在众人面前炫耀的商品，诸如路易威登，宝马之类的东西。就像我有一亲戚买了一A货的路易威登皮包，在我们面前宣称如此划算正逢品牌打折只花两千块就买到手了。好奇的我不由上前探究一下，LV哪有用塑料吊牌的，粗心的亲戚没有舍得将其摘下。呵呵是一仿货，还在这么多人面前炫耀，尤其是一大群每月收入只有2000块的亲戚们面前展示其品味。何况中美之间的利益悬殊，在一个大家庭中这种悬殊就足以制造出一些稀奇古怪的现象。这种时候，总是有人欢喜，有人忧伤，有人忿忿不平，有人自叹不如，有人置之不理，更有人沾沾自喜。

疗毒

今天待在家里疗毒，清明节回老家武汉带回来的感冒病毒。很少感冒的人，这一次有点不知原由的着了凉。也许是武汉的脏细菌被我吸食，也许是精神压力被抽去，身体防御系统也松懈下来，让有机会在武汉这个地方肆意横行感冒病菌钻了一个空子，真有点冷不丁！原本回武汉之前就思想压力很大，想到要见到那些久违的亲戚不知说什么就觉着别扭。这也是父亲去世后第一次专程清明回家上坟，不知不觉在外已经漂泊了七年。我很明白亲戚们对我的看法，不是我对她们的评论特别在意，但是却是一种舆论压力。我没有按照任何人为我预想的道路去发展，包括我的父母，亲戚，朋友或是工作上的导师，而是选择了一条曲折而并未成功的发展路线。她们不明白我为什么跟着一个漂泊的外国人在国内外到处走而没有安下一个家，意思是没有买下一个房子。因为我们绕着大半个地球跑，她们对我的生活似乎很羡慕但又嗤之以鼻，这么多年，连个房子都没有。 所以和他们见面坐下聊天的话题中免不了再次提到买房的话题。这些亲戚中，大部分都是地主，有大号点的地主，房产四五处，厂房一二地，生活完全靠这些地产养活；也有小号一点的地主，一两套百平米的住宅楼，在银行上班；向我妈这样的，自住一套三室一厅的独身女人在他们面前还觉得自卑，因为她还算不上地主。不仅仅是这些亲戚，我的一些老朋友也劝说我买一套房产因为房价一定会上涨的,买一套等着升值。我相信她们都是出于中肯的善意，可是也不由让我反思买房是适合每个人的投资方式吗？对很多人来说，买房是一种安心丸，有了房，就有了生活的保障。以这种价值观来评判我的处境，也就是说我的生活是没有保障的。房子是一个固定资产，一个看得见、摸得着的实体，有了房子才更能显示经济实力。这样说来，我的经济实力并不雄厚。这些都是我的推断，这样的话并不便直接说给我听的，伤面子啊。这样看来，我的这些亲戚朋友们属于实际派的，生活就是实际的一砖一瓦。对我这样一个还生活在梦想中的人，担心这些似乎有些太油盐酱醋，婆婆妈妈了一些。买房的想法和冲动还不是没有过，说明我并不是不食人间烟火的。可每次尝试的尝试都以决定不买而告终。原因很多，资金不够、时机不成熟、地段不好的时候都有，但房子质量拙劣以及70年房产权是首当其冲不买房的根源。对于我们来讲，买房并不是一种投资的手段。这种投资自己可掌控的余地相对狭小。在加上我们身处异地,手续操作极为不便。可是每次回家，还是会受到亲戚们这样善意劝慰所感染而变得有些焦虑。还真不是不想有个自己的地产，可是真是时机对我来说还不成熟。老公会说，我们买房干他们什么事，何必把他们的看法当真。我一时无语，口头不在乎不等于心理不在乎。毕竟她们是看着我长大的，对我了解二三分。这种在乎成为一种感情的链带，而非从行动上的改变。但是这种别扭的交流，现在的话说不和谐让我对回武汉一趟紧张不已。相反，妈妈对我们的生活了解了许多表示出一些理解，至少她没有象姨叔一样对我们有任何不符合我们现实的期望值。去武汉之前，我曾对老公说过，我想直面我的亲戚，因为我知道她们的期望值和价值观。我不想证明诸如我们生活很优越之类的看法，我只想发现我之所以去武汉前甚为焦虑的根源。我们都想靠近一些，可是我们生活在任何生活价值观的两个层面。所以，让靠近变得顺其自然一些吧！

What I want

What do I want? I want to sucessfully graduate from my PhD and find a stable job, at the same time to have a baby and settle down. He wants to go around and I am tired of wonder around without knowing where is home. I am tired of friends that are drift away from me because I or they moved. I would like to become a mother before my 36th birthday which is two years away. I do not want to move around anymore. I do not want to go to another country just because he has a new job there. I would like to go if I can also find a position there. I would like to have something that I could find myself in. I would like to enjoy myself and say things what I want to say without worrying being slapped around in cold tones or shushed. There are something that I really want to do in China alone. Like opening a bookstore for young people... do something help promting children's reading and writing ability... even I may want to write books for children...

Frustration!

It is all boiled up, the people talking in the office, constant moaning about her own sickness of a labmate, noice fromt the door opposite- a student society office, noise of eating like a pig-piada-piada; stress from him deciding on doing a theology PhD, stress from a peer winning an award with lots of research fund. I could not stay there any seconds longer and have just escaped from the premisis. I could not find peach with myself and I am not confident with myself. Dragging myself forward is a picture I could see right now. I too, enjoy learning and researching. But staying in that office do not make me feel enjoyable any longer...I don't want to leave but to produce something good. no distraction, no extra stress, i am doing it. Feeling guilty and ashamed not being able to produce a proposal in the original time. I was very sick...I would like to find a balance... meditating myself through this. This is never easy, but sometimes it is easier than the other. I could not let all these external noises distract me and drag me away... Be focused and concentrate...Maybe that's god is saying that we don't mean to be together...just let it be... things will work out in its own...i do not want to deal with anything I perceive as negative...like him doing another PhD in theology...i don't feel it is right for both of us...time, energy and strength...I don't want our life to be like his parents or brother as professional Christian. It really scares the hell out of me. Life is about appreciating what maybe gods create, and create something different. I do not like digging up history. There is no absolute truth, even God. It is getting traumatic for me as I take many things very serious and I envisage the dull pathways that lay in front of our life. Why could we explore our interests in a similar direction? What do I want to do? Finish my own PhD and find a job. I have plenty of interests that I would like to explore, but religion has never come to my vision. I respect people who believe in god and I too tries to learn a bit more. But I would not go that way, absolutely not. My mind is not as quiet as that was one weeks even a couple of days ago. It feels with these worries, concerns and stress, unecessary ones. I need to just try to focus on my own stuff.

No he does not care...

I have been in pain with my neck and head and came home in tears. He did not see, ask, and care to even get close to me. Cold blood, yeah that's the first word popped into my head. Why should he care? I didn't ask him, so there is no need. I guess. The thoughts of dying keep circling around my head. People who I know died from headache, suffered from brain tumor, or went abnormal in behaviour because of the tumor cells grew into the head. They were two acquaintances and the other one was my father. I am scared, very scared and also upset about my own situation. The headache has been there for about a week and I went to clinic at university, but no doctor was available for my problem. My whole head feels that filled with air and it is about to exploded from the back. It also feels that some airs trapped inside and could not come out at all. I need to get stronger... if he acts this cold towards me, how am I supposed to do? Be stronger and hold on until tomorrow so I can visit the hospital and have it check up. I thought being in relationship would at least give me some comfort. The way he went straight into his room after making the dinner and close the door behind him, as if he threw a handful of ice cubes at me. This is just how much he loves me, as he always claims. Just be stronger, either things will all be well, or be really bad. Either way I didn't come to this world in vain, though if I left, I would have some disappointments with me, but I guess I need to learn how to handle them myself, not relying on someone else.

How about?

I could hear his snoring...through the closing door...like an old man drinking a cup of hot tea and have to make the sound to show that it is hot, really? The energy drink is in front of me, I do not want to take it, it appears to me like poison and would ruin my night competely... let me sleep please, allow me to do so...
我的手指弹落在键盘犹如在弹钢琴一样，可是我不怎么会弹钢琴。我默默自语，无人知晓我的声音。但是没有关系，一点关系也没有，因为我知道我还在这里，不再别处。
不再留恋过去，留恋不属于自己幻想。看着朋友赠予的幸运熊，不知道她今夕是否幸运。喜欢眼前有一排书的视觉效应，感觉有支撑不会太空。一切在我眼前都是静止的，包括鼾声阵阵丈夫。这一切将会静止下去直到明日清晨闹钟响起。我应该去睡觉，这样才能听到闹钟敲响。