Frustration!

It is all boiled up, the people talking in the office, constant moaning about her own sickness of a labmate, noice fromt the door opposite- a student society office, noise of eating like a pig-piada-piada; stress from him deciding on doing a theology PhD, stress from a peer winning an award with lots of research fund. I could not stay there any seconds longer and have just escaped from the premisis. I could not find peach with myself and I am not confident with myself. Dragging myself forward is a picture I could see right now. I too, enjoy learning and researching. But staying in that office do not make me feel enjoyable any longer...I don't want to leave but to produce something good. no distraction, no extra stress, i am doing it. Feeling guilty and ashamed not being able to produce a proposal in the original time. I was very sick...I would like to find a balance... meditating myself through this. This is never easy, but sometimes it is easier than the other. I could not let all these external noises distract me and drag me away... Be focused and concentrate...Maybe that's god is saying that we don't mean to be together...just let it be... things will work out in its own...i do not want to deal with anything I perceive as negative...like him doing another PhD in theology...i don't feel it is right for both of us...time, energy and strength...I don't want our life to be like his parents or brother as professional Christian. It really scares the hell out of me. Life is about appreciating what maybe gods create, and create something different. I do not like digging up history. There is no absolute truth, even God. It is getting traumatic for me as I take many things very serious and I envisage the dull pathways that lay in front of our life. Why could we explore our interests in a similar direction? What do I want to do? Finish my own PhD and find a job. I have plenty of interests that I would like to explore, but religion has never come to my vision. I respect people who believe in god and I too tries to learn a bit more. But I would not go that way, absolutely not. My mind is not as quiet as that was one weeks even a couple of days ago. It feels with these worries, concerns and stress, unecessary ones. I need to just try to focus on my own stuff.