Where are we going?

there could never be peace between him and me. The whole day we have been strange to each other. It started in the church. I pointed out to him that there was someone ,who we haven't seen for a long time, was over the other side. He immediatly felt repusive and said something in a blaming tone like " what do you want me to do?". I couldn't stand his attitude " what is your problem?" "I pointed out someone we knew and didn't see for a long time, what is the problem of that?" "That is the problem." he walked straight on without any humble of appolegizing gesture at all. "Do you have social phobia or something?" He was not usually like that. There he Harshly turned me down and brought my mood to zero degree cold. He doesn't feel that he might have hurt my feeling at all. Why does he need to feel so? He is a man. I couldn't stand his attitude and he didn't try to make peach with me either. There I went angrier, I sat seperate from him. In fact, I wanted to sit far seperate from him. The way he behaves just makes me feel he was a total stranger to me. A stranger that I dislike and couldn't care less to speak to. It seems whenever there is a situation that we have to resolve, that's when we sort of start talking. Even so, his attitude is like "why would l care to talk to you, well I have to now because I need to solve this problem in front of me, so be it." We have said we would look at the apartment at Ma Anshan, so some decisions need to be made. Very briefly we talked, neither of us could care to make the other happier. That's really sad but there we went. We looked the apartment without really talking to each other. We chose a place to eat, after the lunch the situation went slightly better, the food usually brought up mood a little. Still, we kept distances to each other. On our way back, we fell back again for another thing we talked about I don't remember now. Again, it was time to solve another problem, asking about renewal of the apartment that we are staying right now. He started to talk to me again still in long distance. I sat at my computer, feeling tired. "If you don't have any other thing planned for us, I'd like to go to the sauna." He is under my restrain and he gets what he wanted. Why did he have to sound like that I planned everything else, could he please have some time for himself? I don't understand. I am not his mother. What kind of partner he thinks I am? Yes, I usually want to do something outdoor. but he would rather do nothing and stay in flat the whole weekend, preferrably without any disturbunce. Only, only if I said that I would like to do this or that, I then felt obligation to come along. What kind of partnership or relationship this is? Yes, busy busy is his work and life at the moment. Really can't he spare anytime to plan a little walking about ahead. I don't believe so... we just don't share similar interests as we should do. Everytime he did so, he did it as if he was doing me a favour and he was obliged to do so. He just doesn't have much compassion towards the others and would not like to share the part of life I enjoy. We are sleeping seperately... we have to ... he snors and woke me, even himself up... I have better sleep now and feel happier with myself... but we still live together.

About my attitude!

The aftermath of talking with Cammie has been shaking me like throwing my heart against a trembling bed. I couldn't quite explain where my anxious and frustration are coming from, but I told Cammie that I found I could not quite find any peer yet to hold academic conversations with and could not quite fit into the culture here for some reason. That was probably a bit stupid of saying so, but in return such complains sound very familiar to me for some reason. I was just too sensitive to everything that happens around me. I feel that I would be feeling more comfortable if I am in control of things I should know about but realized that it is a rather difficult task to achieve. After the encounter with my TA peers, I felt I was hating myself of asking so many questions and talking about so much about related psychological videos I have seen. It probably appeared to be like showing off and trying to impress people, to certain extend. Why did I do it? I am not quite sure but it caused such a stir in me that I couldn't forgive myself. I have such a loath towards Chinese, espeically the Chinese Educational system despite the fact that I was grown out from the Chinese system. I was not able to go to a Chinese university because I chose to go to the teacher's school when everyone else among peers went to high school which led them into universities. I was extremely proud of where I was from but meanwhile extremely jealous of people who was in the university back then. The social discrimination toward primary school teachers made me even more self-conscious and self-pity of myself. Slowly there has been a complex of shame, proud and twisted discrimination growing in me. I was shame of myself just being a primary school teacher but also so pround that I had finished my degree during five years working in primary school and had been awarded one of the best teachers among hundreds of schools. I was jealous of people who went to university right away and later on had much better jobs which means earning much more money. Money was the measure who should be more supier than the other although people would deny that. I had a group of friends who were university students back then. I didn't feel I am less clever than them but certainly I felt rather reserved and extremely shamed of my own status in front of them. Nobody around me made me think so, but I did. Rather, they felt my shyness and humble were virtues which they appreciated. I tried to hide my true self and reveal a me that I thought people might like better.
Now, I am again in a place which is not really ideal and I have just realized that history is repeating itself in someway. I am finding some ways to change the old and hurtful history.

Another emotional day.

Work is done. What ever mistakes should be made is made! I just couldn't really wire down for what ever had wired me up. I could feel that I am trambling inside and anxiety level just go shotting right up. I didn't understand that I was talking back to a professor although he is very young. "who the hell does she think she is?" one may think what did today by asking so many questions about the job I was assigned to, especially that Hong Kong donkey mouth. His last life was probably a donkey or mule, especially when he laughs and makes sissy gestures, that looks totally like an ass. Obviously, he is not happy with the way that I asked so many questions as a first year PhD student. More importantly, that I am from mainland. How dare she is wasting so much of my time by asking so much question? I wasn't thinking that much. Just totally feel as a new comer who is expected to walk in to classroom to teach a group of undergraduate, I am entitled to know more about the course a little bit more than an simple introduction. I was really shocked by the way the course is handled with some simple slides. I couldn't stand that donkey face and wish I would never need to see him again. Well, enough complains... need to go back to work a bit.

Typhone is coming and the rain is hitting the window violently

It may also have washed away any sweet memory I had with him as well. Last time we had fun together is maybe when we were in Germany. I don't feel loving any longer, for some reason towards him. I have been unhappy, unhappy about our life together, our fights, our disagreeable arguments and oppinions. Somehow, I couldn't convince myself to look on the bright side of our relationship except for pitting myself that if we meant to seperate from each other, I would live a rather difficult life than before. I am trying to set things right by improve my own strength in which ever way possible. That doesn't seem to help with our relationship. I do understand that he is probably under great pressure as well in living academic life which requires great concerntration on the research interests. One of the problems is that we are both in such circumstances. I do not know how to solve this problem but thinking of a way solving some problems that I can.

A visit of hometown

It was so amazing that accidently four of my relatives asked me the same sensitive question of my income. It is so important that they just could not help keep nagging and pushing for the answer, however reluctantly telling me of how much they earn or what they are information is. Usually, I was too honest and frank to simply answer all the questions that raised. After that I somehow left with a feeling of revealing too much of myself and therefore made myself vulunrable of something that I could not quite figure it out. Probably gossip to start with, then some unpredicted troubles within family such as money borrowing and so on. Obviously I had received much more friendly treatment this time than any other time in the past. Distance has made everything ease a bit, but I just could not help thinking that how not to give out information that easily. The simple and easist way is just to aviod any further contact.

Bitterness

Weekend is as boring as an empty room that I can only hear myself typing and the frigerator's humming. Somehow I just feel that we are not weekend couple type, more of weekday ones. There seemed alway more happened in his life than my my own because he is the one who always has things to tell. Maybe my life at uni hasn't really started. I feel I am getting rather bitter towards things that are happening around. I need to get out of the apartment for a change although it is so damn hot out there. Where can I go? I will maybe go to an island, I don't know. Just to look at nature or something. I am bit sick of sharing such boring weekend with him. He always has excuses of not going anywhere and has nothing else to propose or say to me either. Yes, I need to walk out the flat.