About my attitude!

The aftermath of talking with Cammie has been shaking me like throwing my heart against a trembling bed. I couldn't quite explain where my anxious and frustration are coming from, but I told Cammie that I found I could not quite find any peer yet to hold academic conversations with and could not quite fit into the culture here for some reason. That was probably a bit stupid of saying so, but in return such complains sound very familiar to me for some reason. I was just too sensitive to everything that happens around me. I feel that I would be feeling more comfortable if I am in control of things I should know about but realized that it is a rather difficult task to achieve. After the encounter with my TA peers, I felt I was hating myself of asking so many questions and talking about so much about related psychological videos I have seen. It probably appeared to be like showing off and trying to impress people, to certain extend. Why did I do it? I am not quite sure but it caused such a stir in me that I couldn't forgive myself. I have such a loath towards Chinese, espeically the Chinese Educational system despite the fact that I was grown out from the Chinese system. I was not able to go to a Chinese university because I chose to go to the teacher's school when everyone else among peers went to high school which led them into universities. I was extremely proud of where I was from but meanwhile extremely jealous of people who was in the university back then. The social discrimination toward primary school teachers made me even more self-conscious and self-pity of myself. Slowly there has been a complex of shame, proud and twisted discrimination growing in me. I was shame of myself just being a primary school teacher but also so pround that I had finished my degree during five years working in primary school and had been awarded one of the best teachers among hundreds of schools. I was jealous of people who went to university right away and later on had much better jobs which means earning much more money. Money was the measure who should be more supier than the other although people would deny that. I had a group of friends who were university students back then. I didn't feel I am less clever than them but certainly I felt rather reserved and extremely shamed of my own status in front of them. Nobody around me made me think so, but I did. Rather, they felt my shyness and humble were virtues which they appreciated. I tried to hide my true self and reveal a me that I thought people might like better.
Now, I am again in a place which is not really ideal and I have just realized that history is repeating itself in someway. I am finding some ways to change the old and hurtful history.