Can't wait to get out of Hong Kong for a while!

Finally it is a rather clear day now in Hong Kong after weeks of raining weather, but I just can't wait to get out of it for at least a while. Work and life related stress have driven me and David a bit too tense. Some fresh and cool air will do us good I hope.

Amazing news that Germany fight their way to semifinal of Euro cup! Very impressive as it was the fact that Germany lost to Croatia in their group and Germany was facing very tough challenge, Portugal, who was regarded as the most potential winner for the Euro cup, but now they are going home. Exciting game when especially the most potential is lost and the most defeated stands up again. For this, I love German football

About death!

I think about death very often, almost every other day or even a few days consecutively. Our serviced apartment has shuttle bus service. The bus from TST to apartment compound sometime goes to the route passing a creametory, white smoke flying out of the chimmny on top of the building signifies that one person has left this world. Sitting in the bus and watching the smoke resolving into the air reminds all the people passed away from my life. Of those including my dad, grandpa from mum's side, grandpa from dad's side, grandma from mum's side and grandma from dad's side, I saw them lying deadly in their last sleep. I will die one day, maybe sooner or later, one way or the other. It is likely I get cancer because two grandparents from my mum's side were died from cancer. When my mum's mother left, I was 14, a couple years after my dad's mother passed away. I miss them all, sometimes including my dad who caused me a lot of unhappy childhood memories. Maybe I was really a very naughty and disobedient child. Death is a such a tough thing, the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to deal with the concept and the more scared that people around me might leave some day or I might leave them one day. I still remember so many things that at least shows I am alive. Being able to remembering my past keeps me alive, I think.

Emotional roller coaster!

I cannot stop thinking about sad things after another fight with D. He would not care if I leave this world after all we would not go to the same place anyway. I can't sense it when I am affected by the bad emotion, instead, what he says and how he reacts just make the whole thing worse. He just cannot or do not want to get it. He is not willing to share his feelings which he claims that he does not have. I asked him to recall a few happy memories in childhood, after just one try which was his 15th birthday, he shut down completely not even mentioning the question of a few unhappy memories. He turned around and said that he did not have those memories, and that account just made me feel that he got impatient with why I asked the question. I went to explain why I asked the questions and further described some details from the documentary I just watched. He went all resentful and confirmed that he did not remember or think about happy or unhappy memories. To me, the way of thinking is just not humane. Unless, he deliberately shut down the memory or was too impatient to bother to say anything. Either way makes me feel insulted. " how stupid you just asked that question?" kept running in my head. To me these questions and the answers with the interpretations are quite relevant to what happened to me. That's how every time the old sad memories affect me with my emotional roller coaster. Early emotional memories do affect one's life satisfaction of later adulthood. I lost my grasp, felt angry, even raged, and threw things on the floor. I did remember clearly how he had recalled to me that his mum threw something at him and broke his forehead (and he made sure that I heard him saying "I don't want my kid to have that"); how he enjoyed trips with his farther along. I got even more angry because it was obvious to me that he either didn't care about what I said or would not like to share his feeling with me at all. He confirmed that he did not think that way. Of course not, otherwise why would it be a question. I don't understand why he is so denial and defensive if he does not have anything to hide. Even so, he is busy right now (so do I), can't he just say "maybe we should discuss this question some other time, it will take a long time." Why does he have to be so brutal and hostile about my question and invitation to discussion? I don't understand whether I have issues or he indeed does. I don't understand why it makes me feel that his emotional life is so much more superior than mine that he would not want to share and bother to care about mine.

A chick's evening!

Came back around mid-night and soaked like a chick in soup. That was actually the end of my Friday chick's night with other chicks over on the island. Expensive meals with some wine and nice talks but I did not feel as comfortable especially with one very bossy chick among us. She made the order of all side dishes and wines without consulting all the other five girls around. At the end of the meal when it was time to pay, she was the one decide who should pay how much. Who did she think she is?

a sex starved wife

Our sex life sucks! Because of it, we just had a big fight. I tried to initiate the sex when he came back from home, without any comforting he brutally turned me down. I felt so unwanted, left alone and very unattractive, then this sadness turned into anger and moody. I thought I might be getting too emotional, so I went out for a walk. It helped a little and calmed me down but not until I saw him again and he pretended there was nothing happening. Sat in front of my computer and browsing websites that have the help links, I found that I am one of sex-starved wives. http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1728520,00.html?imw=Y
There I encouraged myself to talk with him, like usual talks we had, it led to a big fight. I told him how frustrated and confused I was when I was turned down shortly. He depended himself that he had given me signals not wanting sex. I told him that was not the real point, the point was that he did not talk me through it and treated me as I was a horny chick. Even, in the end he commented "you are a horny...". I totally dislikes his attitude towards the whole thing, instead of a nice talk, the initiated talk turned into a big fight which will probably take us a few days to really forget it. Long forget about the sex but the frustration and anxiety are still within... only really loud coldplay will help at this moment...

Morning

What a strange morning that I could not wake myself up even with so much noise outside. I have finally convinced myself to start typed a little bit something so that hopefully I will get into the mode of typing more again. At least my chest pressure is gone and I don't feel headache this morning. David suspected that it was because I was too stressed, that anyway. I actually think it is the weather here and I am so sensitive towards the weather here. Low pressure and high humidity which makes me feel that I am soaked in steaming air everyday. David suggested to turn on the aircon just to reduce the humidity and that actually helped so much so the whole last night I did not move much even without the Pzizz music. I have a dilima situation here. if I open the window I will get some air (can't say it is fresh) but it is so noisy with the whole filed of machines that move thousands of containers outside the window. Very occasionally, I can get cool air and quietness at the same time but that won't last more than one minute. So in the end, my nerves tell me that I had close the window as the noise level is getting to high.

PMS

Every single time, it gets me just like a snap. All worked-up, moody, uncomfortable with my boobs and headaches. Any symptom, you name it... well finally I am in general feel calm again...
It is 5 to midnight again, only it is this time I feel extremely calm and clear minded. Of course, it is also the time I feel like starting my own work when my sleeping clock is ticking. After a whole procrastinating, finally there is nobody bothers me again, no meal to eat, no phone call to pick up, no yoga class to attend, no friends to see, and enough news, documentaries, films, TV series that I have checked with. I have put my writing project to the last although it is my very first worry. I know that I can finish it but don't understand what exactly is stopping me. I just couldn't say cut for myself when I was so consciously know what I have been doing. Only it is at the time of a day, I feel I am settled into my mind that I have shut everything outside world from me because they are all sleeping or ready to sleep now. What an interesting mentality here that I eager to gain in the morning.

A nightmare

He is a worst possible asshole in my dream and I feel so embbarassed and extremely. It seems that he always think how things should happen in a certain way. When things go different, he become impossible to handle in terms of conversation wise. He will shoot back what ever anyone says that doesn't sound alright to him viciously and mercilessly. There he is arguing with the secretary about his visa again. "I told you if it is one year multi-entry visa", "yes, I know you did, but the new regulation at least for now it doesn't work that way. You can only apply for a single entry for three months" "that's complete b*******, f*** hell" " excuse me"? He is dragged away and left the secretary almost in tears. He goes to his best friend, A's table. A is a quite guy, doesn't have any conflict with almost anyone, a complete contrast with D. Only, if he gets drunk and he negs in low voice. He never raise his voice in public unlike his good friend D, who doesn't care who and how many people around. There, there Obviously he is arguing with his nurse now. His nurse is a guest of the party.... I can see myself slowly hiding away and look for an exit to escape. Then I woke up...

Sleepless...

Every day there are two difficult periods time for me, one is the time to get up in the morning and the other is now, time to sleep. Lying on my bed, my thoughts like cloud spurts before the gloomy Hong Kong rain. It was a definitely action film repeating one thought of whether I should go to Beijing next week. One reason is that I haven't seen my sister for about two years and probably won't see her for the next half a year before the Chinese new year. She is my only sister, a younger one, although we are not very close. There are something that we don't like about each other. Another reason, going back there to see some friends who I knew when I was there about one year ago. Especially some of them are leaving Beijing for good, so we may not see each other for ever. What's more? these friends seemed more interesting than people I have met in Hong Kong, so far. Much less business like, I may put it. One more reason, it gives me something distraction from too intensive writing processes that I am going through. I am imagining myself sitting on the train and knowing my way around Beijing. However, nobody really expect me to go there... maybe I should leave it until later