About death!

I think about death very often, almost every other day or even a few days consecutively. Our serviced apartment has shuttle bus service. The bus from TST to apartment compound sometime goes to the route passing a creametory, white smoke flying out of the chimmny on top of the building signifies that one person has left this world. Sitting in the bus and watching the smoke resolving into the air reminds all the people passed away from my life. Of those including my dad, grandpa from mum's side, grandpa from dad's side, grandma from mum's side and grandma from dad's side, I saw them lying deadly in their last sleep. I will die one day, maybe sooner or later, one way or the other. It is likely I get cancer because two grandparents from my mum's side were died from cancer. When my mum's mother left, I was 14, a couple years after my dad's mother passed away. I miss them all, sometimes including my dad who caused me a lot of unhappy childhood memories. Maybe I was really a very naughty and disobedient child. Death is a such a tough thing, the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to deal with the concept and the more scared that people around me might leave some day or I might leave them one day. I still remember so many things that at least shows I am alive. Being able to remembering my past keeps me alive, I think.