Slow down...

Right after the first term for my PhD study, my whole body and mind still cannot adjust to the idea that my first real winter holiday has just started. My mind hasn't felt so fatige for a long long time. Being slightly fed up with Hong Kong or any walking around in Hong Kong, makes me feel extremely wiered. It is not my land, and I don't really like staying here but I have to. In fact, I didn't really like any place except for Bristol. My experience a few years back in Bristol was really an unique one that none of other places could compare with her. Friends, nice atomasphere, good study and a new era of my life made me really sentimental when leaving there. Maybe I am reinventing my memory with the city but comparing with all the cities I had lived in, Bristol was, still is the best by far. It does sound like I am complaining about Hong Kong, well who cares that I am complaing aobut HK anyway. This place is maybe our place to be after all. We just need to take our time to be used to the life style in reality. When we were in the time when everything seemed so ridiculous and not normal, we had fantasy of living in real life, more civilised world. We are now but facing some music that meant to be hard to hear or take in. In the past, it was almost that why ultrageous things happened, now in the real world we somehow missed that part of living on chaotic land which make us sane. In the real world where everything seems so regular and in order and that makes me at least feel slightly insane. Am i insane? For the very first time in my life, I left a bag of meat shopped at Jusco at Jusco cashier counter and no one reminded of me picking it up. My mind was fully occupied with stuff that why there are so many people and I am so sleepy. The instant result was that I could a dinner with meat I paid for, including pork, minsed beef, beaf, oyster and patato. Well, patato is not really meat, but anyway I left there and just went home with 3 heavy shopping bags. I don't think I would ever do that again, no matter shopping alone for some much stuff, or miss one bag of meat I paid for, or any bag of shopping I paid for.
That was that!

Terrible exam but a very good friend

Had a really big cry right after the exam. I felt so insecure and stupid with those statistics. Went angry with them first because I had no idea why those questions were asked. I held a scientific calculator but did not know how to use it properly. I did not want to cry because I would like anyone's sympathy but I did and some friends showed their care and sympathy. I cried like a little girl not loud but stubbornly. This was the first time I cried in three years because of the stress from study. Well, probably very first time since I was a kid I cried because I did badly for an exam. Like a baby, a kid... who wants what I wanted but could not get it, so I cried...
Sitting next to me is a good friend who said :' come on, you will try to do well next time." Damn, I will... Feeling so good when I felt so low and someone was trying to cheer me up... He is my friend.

Unsettle on Friday morning

For the last 3 or 4 months, Friday morning has always been like worship time when all the first year PhD, MPhil students go to sit in the lecture room and listen to some times rubbish lectures. But today's lecture was not bad really. It was thought provoking and actually I think I will probably pursue the topic further. However, what really triggered me today was the lunch time chat and afterward a short discussion with my boss about being a trouble maker. I apparently became a trouble maker here. My boss actually bluntly told me that I acutally behave in very westeren ways. my husband told me the same thing. It seems that I tried to make things simple but it got complicated.

To be continued

A lonely night.

A lonely night but I don't feel I am lonely anymore. David is off to his conference trip to England and I felt home alone to digest my prolonged and unproductive day. Didn't know what to do even after I had watched two soap operas and fliped through TV channels. Still nothing was really interesting to catch my attention and drag away my bad emotion for today. I felt lonely, then I decided to blog a little. Still too much emotion and didn't know where to start. There A heng went online. He is probably one of very few classmates who I would like to chat with volunteerily. A few jokes really made several difference. Then realized that Wilma phoned me... ah I am not lonely.. and so pleased that I do have friends here. Well, I do have friends anyway. I am not a horrible person, well depends on to whom. That's why I try to avoid people that I don't like that much. After talking, my whole emotional world changed... and now I feel tired...

Monday sickness

I feel slightly sick this morning, don't if it is because today is Monday.

What a long day!

It is 7 to 9 in the evening.What a long day! I have been here for 12 hours. Maybe I should start earlier tomorrow so that I can go home much earlier as well.

About age...

"Pick up a psychology book and look up teenager topics" said he with his eye brow frowned like a piece of crumbled leather. "I treat you as my friend and tell you my trouble, you turn around and think I am a teenager." I protested. " Are you trying to behave like the father of a teenager and treat me as if I am a teenager?"
What my problem was that I became very conscious of my age nowadays especially around my colleagues who are much younger than me, about 5 to 10 years younger. I am not lying about my age but everytime they try to find out my age and I feel very sensitive about it. I really wish they'd rather not to talk about my age at all. However, being around them increasingly remindes me of that I am older than then. So what? I didn't care about it at all.
I tried to talk with him about my trouble, but all the replies I have got from him were that why you always socialise with them, blablabla... "you didn't put your ring on the right finger... you haven't accepted who you are yet..."
Are there any models one should behave according to his age? Obviously he thinks that I am not behaving as my age. It was impossible to carry on further conversation with him anymore, can't really afford to witness more crumbled leather on his face!

Lost in messes

Fear, anxiety, and frustration flood all over me that I couldn't take a breath. It is going to be compeletly over if it goes on like this. I want and need to be stronger at the moment. There is nothing much that I think I can do to make things work again for us unless maybe we both try but it is very unlikely to happen at the moment. He viciously pushed me out of the room and angrily ended the conversation after I started to talk with him last Sunday evening by asking him" do you think that I am difficult to communicate with?". I don't know how I can bend over any more while giving myself some respect. We live in different planets. He loves staying in, reading (long time), watching video clips, no social life and his work at the moment. But I love staying in occassionally for weekend but going out for walks is always nice option for me. I love doing yoga, sports too (badmiton, pingpong, volleyball...however haven't played them for ages), I also enjoy reading, watching films, sometimes cooking and shopping. But more so I like social life that doesn't require everyday partying. Everything is going well with him and he doesn't want to ruin it, I understand. The same applies to me as well. I am keeping my work in control but it seems everything else is falling apart. In order to be with him, I have given up so much the last 8 years. My jobs, family, and friends... I have been submissive to him and appolagetic about fights we both have faults for.
Now, when I start to stand for myself, he is not used to it anymore. If things that he does not care, it is fine. But if he cares about certain things, there is no compromising can be expected from him. He cares about his own time and that is great, but he wants to spend those time on things he appreciates. If he has to spend sometime that he doesn't have much interests in, he seems there but he is not. He prefers to spend time by himself. This can go on and on...
There are some fundamental differences between us in terms of time, social life, hobby, personality in general. Now at least I realize those problems, he thinks that is my problem.
All I can think of now, is doing my own work and concerntrating on things I can do. Do what ever I can do to make the best out of these three years.

That's it!

He literally shove me out of the room in the middle of our conversation. That's it. I see this as the end of our relationship. We have had so many times like this before, but this is the end of the end. We both admited to each other that we feel very stressful with each other's presence. He went all so red and worked up. I am so glad that I didn't shout or yeal this time. My emotion is in control but I just could not help crying now because that I know that this relationship is approaching to the end. We have nothing else to say to each other except for his work stuff or anything he downloaded online. The conversation is over when he wants to call that it is over.

Getting emotionally just like that?

Feeling stuck somewhere is how I feel when I get emotional and slightly depressed. No one can help, not even someone who is closest to me at the moment. There is always something wrong between us no matter how I try. We just can not be compatiable with each other. I don't hate him but rather hate myself not being able to free myself from this deteriating marriage. This is the first time in a month I am pitying myself like this. Of course, there is a cause that the chemistry is just not there anymore and I don't feel loved in this relationship although he announced that he loved me every now and then. What kind of love is that? close relative? I have to be strong on this no matter how I am going to bear this for the next three even four years. I just need take what ever the consequences and work very hard to finish my PhD and get as many paper published as possible. Nothing else is that important anymore. Who cares how you feels now? Who cares about the quality of your marriage? Get on and live with it. Sieze my day and do something useful...

So strange!

I don't know what love is anymore. I question about my marriage, is it really working? I don't think I am there anymore. Where we are staying is more like a shelter for me but not a home anymore. Am I been negative? Positively yes! Like what David said:" I could have made you move out!" Wow! I certainly know that he had that power of doing so, but I don't think I would be afraid of it really. I was preparing for the worst to happen. Now, I just feel everything is so so vague in my head. Our relationship. Is it really love? I don't know if I really love him anymore. I can't say I don't yet because I just don't know. I certainly enjoyed the trip with a bunch of new friends, but I am just not sure if I would like to go for the beach with the two men. One, with whom I have just had a huge fight with and didn't talk for about two weeks. Although we made up after me taking a few glasses of wine and him a few beers. Was that love, lust, simply just sex? I don't know how I should feel right now but I am questioning my marriage and asking myself if it is time to move on already. I don't know.

I said too much!

The mount of words I said in Tuesday could compare to the whole lot I said for a week. I felt almost sick after I said too much. Yesterday was almost a relatively strange day for me as everything no matter good and bad, all happen so densely. I could not really judge whether it was a good or bad day at all. I didn't close the toilet door when another student I know came right to it and we were almost face in face. I don't think she has seen anything that she should not seen but it was embarrassed enough. Stupidly enough I went to appoligize and told her that I was in a hurry so I didn't close the door. She actually told me off saying that "next time make sure you do close it". I was shocked. What was I expected, "oh, don't worry, just leave it open. It was my problem too, I was too quiet." I ended up sitting there and feeling really bad about myself. How disguisting I am! Not close the toilet door when I was on the seat. I was too open about my privacy for sure! A lesson is learned.
It was almost mind-blowing during the lunch time listening to my Hong Kong colleagues taking in Cantonese. That was enough of Cantonese listening comprehension for a whole week. My dinner has contrinuted to a clicking conversation with a new friend, Julie. I was talking, talking, and talking... It almost felt like a therapy. I have said too much and left my door open again, espeically with someone I have just got to know. What done is done! I need sometime and space to just recollect myself together. Too much exposure at one time could easily burn myself out, like the sun stoke I had last Saturday!

What a strange dream

Being sentenced to death! How often can someone feel as real as I had experienced in my dream. Nobody around me cared to do anything to prevent such a punishment. I was so cared, tensed and more helpless even though I remembered in my dream that something could have been done to prevent the death penality from happening. What does the dream mean?

Joined a choir for the first time in my life

For the first time, singing brought me so much joy than I have ever expected. The powerful voice that gathered together depict such a harmony and warmth. The music notesnurition my blood flow and I feel so happy that I can be part of such joyful sound.

when I am not happy, I am here

Every time I feel down and anxious, the only way I could find myself is here when all my old friends are far away and new ones are nowhere to be found. Another weekend, another fight between him and me. Tiny little thing, as simple as one plus one, caused a sensational fights freezing us from seeing or talking to each other. The bad energy keep recurring that I have no idea how to end it in a way that both of us are exempt from hurting each other. We can only be colleagues like porcupines. Talking about the world, the university, the system are absolutely no problem between us, but we just can't talk like lovers or even friends. We were discussing about shopping list and not sure what kind of meat to buy. I suggested chicken but didn't have concrete ideas what exactly I would like to cook. Then I went on to ask him what he would like to have. There it went, he kept pressing that I should let him know what I will cook first before he could tell me what he would like. I was not sure what I will cook and was relatively lade back early in the morning, so I didn't have any answer. He went complaining and told me that I was interrupting him from giving me any answer. While he complained, his tones went immidiately serious and high. I tried not to get annoyed first, but then he went on and on ...Then this weekend is again finished for us.

Where are we going?

there could never be peace between him and me. The whole day we have been strange to each other. It started in the church. I pointed out to him that there was someone ,who we haven't seen for a long time, was over the other side. He immediatly felt repusive and said something in a blaming tone like " what do you want me to do?". I couldn't stand his attitude " what is your problem?" "I pointed out someone we knew and didn't see for a long time, what is the problem of that?" "That is the problem." he walked straight on without any humble of appolegizing gesture at all. "Do you have social phobia or something?" He was not usually like that. There he Harshly turned me down and brought my mood to zero degree cold. He doesn't feel that he might have hurt my feeling at all. Why does he need to feel so? He is a man. I couldn't stand his attitude and he didn't try to make peach with me either. There I went angrier, I sat seperate from him. In fact, I wanted to sit far seperate from him. The way he behaves just makes me feel he was a total stranger to me. A stranger that I dislike and couldn't care less to speak to. It seems whenever there is a situation that we have to resolve, that's when we sort of start talking. Even so, his attitude is like "why would l care to talk to you, well I have to now because I need to solve this problem in front of me, so be it." We have said we would look at the apartment at Ma Anshan, so some decisions need to be made. Very briefly we talked, neither of us could care to make the other happier. That's really sad but there we went. We looked the apartment without really talking to each other. We chose a place to eat, after the lunch the situation went slightly better, the food usually brought up mood a little. Still, we kept distances to each other. On our way back, we fell back again for another thing we talked about I don't remember now. Again, it was time to solve another problem, asking about renewal of the apartment that we are staying right now. He started to talk to me again still in long distance. I sat at my computer, feeling tired. "If you don't have any other thing planned for us, I'd like to go to the sauna." He is under my restrain and he gets what he wanted. Why did he have to sound like that I planned everything else, could he please have some time for himself? I don't understand. I am not his mother. What kind of partner he thinks I am? Yes, I usually want to do something outdoor. but he would rather do nothing and stay in flat the whole weekend, preferrably without any disturbunce. Only, only if I said that I would like to do this or that, I then felt obligation to come along. What kind of partnership or relationship this is? Yes, busy busy is his work and life at the moment. Really can't he spare anytime to plan a little walking about ahead. I don't believe so... we just don't share similar interests as we should do. Everytime he did so, he did it as if he was doing me a favour and he was obliged to do so. He just doesn't have much compassion towards the others and would not like to share the part of life I enjoy. We are sleeping seperately... we have to ... he snors and woke me, even himself up... I have better sleep now and feel happier with myself... but we still live together.

About my attitude!

The aftermath of talking with Cammie has been shaking me like throwing my heart against a trembling bed. I couldn't quite explain where my anxious and frustration are coming from, but I told Cammie that I found I could not quite find any peer yet to hold academic conversations with and could not quite fit into the culture here for some reason. That was probably a bit stupid of saying so, but in return such complains sound very familiar to me for some reason. I was just too sensitive to everything that happens around me. I feel that I would be feeling more comfortable if I am in control of things I should know about but realized that it is a rather difficult task to achieve. After the encounter with my TA peers, I felt I was hating myself of asking so many questions and talking about so much about related psychological videos I have seen. It probably appeared to be like showing off and trying to impress people, to certain extend. Why did I do it? I am not quite sure but it caused such a stir in me that I couldn't forgive myself. I have such a loath towards Chinese, espeically the Chinese Educational system despite the fact that I was grown out from the Chinese system. I was not able to go to a Chinese university because I chose to go to the teacher's school when everyone else among peers went to high school which led them into universities. I was extremely proud of where I was from but meanwhile extremely jealous of people who was in the university back then. The social discrimination toward primary school teachers made me even more self-conscious and self-pity of myself. Slowly there has been a complex of shame, proud and twisted discrimination growing in me. I was shame of myself just being a primary school teacher but also so pround that I had finished my degree during five years working in primary school and had been awarded one of the best teachers among hundreds of schools. I was jealous of people who went to university right away and later on had much better jobs which means earning much more money. Money was the measure who should be more supier than the other although people would deny that. I had a group of friends who were university students back then. I didn't feel I am less clever than them but certainly I felt rather reserved and extremely shamed of my own status in front of them. Nobody around me made me think so, but I did. Rather, they felt my shyness and humble were virtues which they appreciated. I tried to hide my true self and reveal a me that I thought people might like better.
Now, I am again in a place which is not really ideal and I have just realized that history is repeating itself in someway. I am finding some ways to change the old and hurtful history.

Another emotional day.

Work is done. What ever mistakes should be made is made! I just couldn't really wire down for what ever had wired me up. I could feel that I am trambling inside and anxiety level just go shotting right up. I didn't understand that I was talking back to a professor although he is very young. "who the hell does she think she is?" one may think what did today by asking so many questions about the job I was assigned to, especially that Hong Kong donkey mouth. His last life was probably a donkey or mule, especially when he laughs and makes sissy gestures, that looks totally like an ass. Obviously, he is not happy with the way that I asked so many questions as a first year PhD student. More importantly, that I am from mainland. How dare she is wasting so much of my time by asking so much question? I wasn't thinking that much. Just totally feel as a new comer who is expected to walk in to classroom to teach a group of undergraduate, I am entitled to know more about the course a little bit more than an simple introduction. I was really shocked by the way the course is handled with some simple slides. I couldn't stand that donkey face and wish I would never need to see him again. Well, enough complains... need to go back to work a bit.

Typhone is coming and the rain is hitting the window violently

It may also have washed away any sweet memory I had with him as well. Last time we had fun together is maybe when we were in Germany. I don't feel loving any longer, for some reason towards him. I have been unhappy, unhappy about our life together, our fights, our disagreeable arguments and oppinions. Somehow, I couldn't convince myself to look on the bright side of our relationship except for pitting myself that if we meant to seperate from each other, I would live a rather difficult life than before. I am trying to set things right by improve my own strength in which ever way possible. That doesn't seem to help with our relationship. I do understand that he is probably under great pressure as well in living academic life which requires great concerntration on the research interests. One of the problems is that we are both in such circumstances. I do not know how to solve this problem but thinking of a way solving some problems that I can.

A visit of hometown

It was so amazing that accidently four of my relatives asked me the same sensitive question of my income. It is so important that they just could not help keep nagging and pushing for the answer, however reluctantly telling me of how much they earn or what they are information is. Usually, I was too honest and frank to simply answer all the questions that raised. After that I somehow left with a feeling of revealing too much of myself and therefore made myself vulunrable of something that I could not quite figure it out. Probably gossip to start with, then some unpredicted troubles within family such as money borrowing and so on. Obviously I had received much more friendly treatment this time than any other time in the past. Distance has made everything ease a bit, but I just could not help thinking that how not to give out information that easily. The simple and easist way is just to aviod any further contact.

Bitterness

Weekend is as boring as an empty room that I can only hear myself typing and the frigerator's humming. Somehow I just feel that we are not weekend couple type, more of weekday ones. There seemed alway more happened in his life than my my own because he is the one who always has things to tell. Maybe my life at uni hasn't really started. I feel I am getting rather bitter towards things that are happening around. I need to get out of the apartment for a change although it is so damn hot out there. Where can I go? I will maybe go to an island, I don't know. Just to look at nature or something. I am bit sick of sharing such boring weekend with him. He always has excuses of not going anywhere and has nothing else to propose or say to me either. Yes, I need to walk out the flat.

Finally get over of jet lag.

Finally I have got over my jet lag, so now I have not any excuse for not working. Just the thought of work makes me feel lazy again. Sitting here typing down my complains, I feel slightly self-pity. I really do not want to write at all. With too much emotion into the writing, I don't know how to do it really. Just now, I was distracted by job emails although I am in no position of finding a job at all. What do I need to write today? I need to write or finish writing the research report that I carried out. However, I have long lost interests in it already, not the topic but the writing process. I wish there was someone who would like to talk with me about it. Why do I keep telling myself that. Quite practically, I should also start revising the article that I writing with Cammie. That one seems to be more interesting in a way since I have put a lot of effort into the writing already. Still, the writing process can be so tough and torturing. Especially when the thoughts lost its relevance. I mean relevance by the contact that is irrelevant to my current life. I feel I am constructing some ideas in theory and in the air. It is not quite touching down the ground. Although I know what I would like to say, but words are not easily postulated into arguments. I kept procrastinating, but once I sat down and started to type, I just couldn't get flow. What is wrong?

Another friend is leaving.

Having heard the news that one friend is leaving Hong Kong triggers my emotions of sadness, disappointment and self-pity. The stresses of living in Hong Kong resumes, it seems. Our summer holiday in Europe gave us a lot of relaxation and reflection so I was ready to come back and work again. Just three days at work, the old memories of tiredness, anxious and complains about the boss flushed towards my mind. I tried to shut them down and keep them outside of my mind, my effort wasn't all in vain as I have kept telling myself:"just two and a half weeks left, your new life begins afterwards." Will I really have a new life after my present work? I don't have an answer, I don't know, but I guess I am just ready to move on like I did for the summer holiday. Three weeks staying with David's family in Europe had been tiring but also full of joy and surprises. Everyday there was something new to see and know. At one point, I even felt there was too much to take a time for myself. However, I was really happy because I had told myself it was my holiday and I didn't need to do anything. Back to work, I was all ready to start fresh and it has been. But as the freshness of back from holiday is start to fade from me, I slowly find myself being dragged by what was remained unchanged, the work. The jet lag doesn't help either. No, I would like to maintain the freshness, at least making the fading speed slower. I start to think what really relaxed me during the holiday, the beautiful scenery with green forests and quietness. What else? staying with family makes me feel calm and secure, although they are more of David's family, my extended one. Kids' smile and laugh were spiritual comfort. Not everything I liked for holiday, in fact I was anxious to get back to work. After several interrupted attempts, I decided to just leave the work as it is. But now I am back to work, in addition, everything in Hong Kong that reminds me of work freaks me a bit on the contrary. People's life is around work or money here. It would be a rare scene to see people take a break for the break sake. Taking a short break is preparing for continuing a better work performance, that's how I understand my colleagues so far. I am getting philosophical again... I will resume this later.

Back from holiday and I can't fell asleep

Just after two hours of sleeping, I woke up and complained about the noisiness of my husband's heavy breathing and the wind blowing into the room from the pipe in the wall. Since then, I tried to use ear plugs. It didn't work because it was so much quieter and unnaturally quiet that my mind pitching all sorts of ideas and projects that I would like to achieve in the following days and weeks. I was patient and conscious enough to persuade myself that it is just jet lag. Stop panicking. In fact David's noses are not really behaving, they blocked his breath quite often, so he has to rely on his breathing through his mouth. That is one of my projects that I would like to schedule in some time this week or next. The trouble is that David sometimes can be very denial and excusable that he would find excuses of postponing it, eventually he expected me to forget about it. Not for this time. I just need to be firmer and more organized with him. Hong Kong is just so so humid that every breath I take is like sieving some water through noses. Sitting in our nice apartment facing fantastic view of the harbor, what would I complain? Life is in fact very good for us, without debts, without children, without annoying relatives (of course nice relatives as well, I couldn't see that as part of good life, without nice relatives and friends). From living with in-laws in Germany for three weeks back to busy and hot life in Hong Kong, there is a gap. I can't tell which part is more realistic than the other. Probably Hong Kong because our work is here. But we have no long term friends or close relatives living close by. Life here appear to be a bit hysterical and detaching from everyone we knew in the past. The detachment, however, creates some looping space for both David and me who seeing us belongs to either Hong Kong, Germany, or inside China. We are living in between, between people, people's life, places. The trouble might be that we will not like to stay at one place for long since everything will gradually appear too clear for you distinguish, therefore it spoils the imagination of living that place. Thoughts have driven me around in this humid Hong Kong air that I would like to deny having memory of. Life in Hong Kong for us will restart in 6 hours or so. The anxiety has already kicked in that we yelled at each other for something tiny. It seems that when reaching certain period time of life, the knowledge of what life should be like and what life is like in reality creates an contradiction in emotion. If the knowledge is not appropriately initiated, it creates emotional chaos and riots. To know or not know of them, that is not a question for consciousness but for unconsciousness. I am getting philosophical, using Graham's comments about me.

Can't wait to get out of Hong Kong for a while!

Finally it is a rather clear day now in Hong Kong after weeks of raining weather, but I just can't wait to get out of it for at least a while. Work and life related stress have driven me and David a bit too tense. Some fresh and cool air will do us good I hope.

Amazing news that Germany fight their way to semifinal of Euro cup! Very impressive as it was the fact that Germany lost to Croatia in their group and Germany was facing very tough challenge, Portugal, who was regarded as the most potential winner for the Euro cup, but now they are going home. Exciting game when especially the most potential is lost and the most defeated stands up again. For this, I love German football

About death!

I think about death very often, almost every other day or even a few days consecutively. Our serviced apartment has shuttle bus service. The bus from TST to apartment compound sometime goes to the route passing a creametory, white smoke flying out of the chimmny on top of the building signifies that one person has left this world. Sitting in the bus and watching the smoke resolving into the air reminds all the people passed away from my life. Of those including my dad, grandpa from mum's side, grandpa from dad's side, grandma from mum's side and grandma from dad's side, I saw them lying deadly in their last sleep. I will die one day, maybe sooner or later, one way or the other. It is likely I get cancer because two grandparents from my mum's side were died from cancer. When my mum's mother left, I was 14, a couple years after my dad's mother passed away. I miss them all, sometimes including my dad who caused me a lot of unhappy childhood memories. Maybe I was really a very naughty and disobedient child. Death is a such a tough thing, the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to deal with the concept and the more scared that people around me might leave some day or I might leave them one day. I still remember so many things that at least shows I am alive. Being able to remembering my past keeps me alive, I think.

Emotional roller coaster!

I cannot stop thinking about sad things after another fight with D. He would not care if I leave this world after all we would not go to the same place anyway. I can't sense it when I am affected by the bad emotion, instead, what he says and how he reacts just make the whole thing worse. He just cannot or do not want to get it. He is not willing to share his feelings which he claims that he does not have. I asked him to recall a few happy memories in childhood, after just one try which was his 15th birthday, he shut down completely not even mentioning the question of a few unhappy memories. He turned around and said that he did not have those memories, and that account just made me feel that he got impatient with why I asked the question. I went to explain why I asked the questions and further described some details from the documentary I just watched. He went all resentful and confirmed that he did not remember or think about happy or unhappy memories. To me, the way of thinking is just not humane. Unless, he deliberately shut down the memory or was too impatient to bother to say anything. Either way makes me feel insulted. " how stupid you just asked that question?" kept running in my head. To me these questions and the answers with the interpretations are quite relevant to what happened to me. That's how every time the old sad memories affect me with my emotional roller coaster. Early emotional memories do affect one's life satisfaction of later adulthood. I lost my grasp, felt angry, even raged, and threw things on the floor. I did remember clearly how he had recalled to me that his mum threw something at him and broke his forehead (and he made sure that I heard him saying "I don't want my kid to have that"); how he enjoyed trips with his farther along. I got even more angry because it was obvious to me that he either didn't care about what I said or would not like to share his feeling with me at all. He confirmed that he did not think that way. Of course not, otherwise why would it be a question. I don't understand why he is so denial and defensive if he does not have anything to hide. Even so, he is busy right now (so do I), can't he just say "maybe we should discuss this question some other time, it will take a long time." Why does he have to be so brutal and hostile about my question and invitation to discussion? I don't understand whether I have issues or he indeed does. I don't understand why it makes me feel that his emotional life is so much more superior than mine that he would not want to share and bother to care about mine.

A chick's evening!

Came back around mid-night and soaked like a chick in soup. That was actually the end of my Friday chick's night with other chicks over on the island. Expensive meals with some wine and nice talks but I did not feel as comfortable especially with one very bossy chick among us. She made the order of all side dishes and wines without consulting all the other five girls around. At the end of the meal when it was time to pay, she was the one decide who should pay how much. Who did she think she is?

a sex starved wife

Our sex life sucks! Because of it, we just had a big fight. I tried to initiate the sex when he came back from home, without any comforting he brutally turned me down. I felt so unwanted, left alone and very unattractive, then this sadness turned into anger and moody. I thought I might be getting too emotional, so I went out for a walk. It helped a little and calmed me down but not until I saw him again and he pretended there was nothing happening. Sat in front of my computer and browsing websites that have the help links, I found that I am one of sex-starved wives. http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1728520,00.html?imw=Y
There I encouraged myself to talk with him, like usual talks we had, it led to a big fight. I told him how frustrated and confused I was when I was turned down shortly. He depended himself that he had given me signals not wanting sex. I told him that was not the real point, the point was that he did not talk me through it and treated me as I was a horny chick. Even, in the end he commented "you are a horny...". I totally dislikes his attitude towards the whole thing, instead of a nice talk, the initiated talk turned into a big fight which will probably take us a few days to really forget it. Long forget about the sex but the frustration and anxiety are still within... only really loud coldplay will help at this moment...

Morning

What a strange morning that I could not wake myself up even with so much noise outside. I have finally convinced myself to start typed a little bit something so that hopefully I will get into the mode of typing more again. At least my chest pressure is gone and I don't feel headache this morning. David suspected that it was because I was too stressed, that anyway. I actually think it is the weather here and I am so sensitive towards the weather here. Low pressure and high humidity which makes me feel that I am soaked in steaming air everyday. David suggested to turn on the aircon just to reduce the humidity and that actually helped so much so the whole last night I did not move much even without the Pzizz music. I have a dilima situation here. if I open the window I will get some air (can't say it is fresh) but it is so noisy with the whole filed of machines that move thousands of containers outside the window. Very occasionally, I can get cool air and quietness at the same time but that won't last more than one minute. So in the end, my nerves tell me that I had close the window as the noise level is getting to high.

PMS

Every single time, it gets me just like a snap. All worked-up, moody, uncomfortable with my boobs and headaches. Any symptom, you name it... well finally I am in general feel calm again...
It is 5 to midnight again, only it is this time I feel extremely calm and clear minded. Of course, it is also the time I feel like starting my own work when my sleeping clock is ticking. After a whole procrastinating, finally there is nobody bothers me again, no meal to eat, no phone call to pick up, no yoga class to attend, no friends to see, and enough news, documentaries, films, TV series that I have checked with. I have put my writing project to the last although it is my very first worry. I know that I can finish it but don't understand what exactly is stopping me. I just couldn't say cut for myself when I was so consciously know what I have been doing. Only it is at the time of a day, I feel I am settled into my mind that I have shut everything outside world from me because they are all sleeping or ready to sleep now. What an interesting mentality here that I eager to gain in the morning.

A nightmare

He is a worst possible asshole in my dream and I feel so embbarassed and extremely. It seems that he always think how things should happen in a certain way. When things go different, he become impossible to handle in terms of conversation wise. He will shoot back what ever anyone says that doesn't sound alright to him viciously and mercilessly. There he is arguing with the secretary about his visa again. "I told you if it is one year multi-entry visa", "yes, I know you did, but the new regulation at least for now it doesn't work that way. You can only apply for a single entry for three months" "that's complete b*******, f*** hell" " excuse me"? He is dragged away and left the secretary almost in tears. He goes to his best friend, A's table. A is a quite guy, doesn't have any conflict with almost anyone, a complete contrast with D. Only, if he gets drunk and he negs in low voice. He never raise his voice in public unlike his good friend D, who doesn't care who and how many people around. There, there Obviously he is arguing with his nurse now. His nurse is a guest of the party.... I can see myself slowly hiding away and look for an exit to escape. Then I woke up...

Sleepless...

Every day there are two difficult periods time for me, one is the time to get up in the morning and the other is now, time to sleep. Lying on my bed, my thoughts like cloud spurts before the gloomy Hong Kong rain. It was a definitely action film repeating one thought of whether I should go to Beijing next week. One reason is that I haven't seen my sister for about two years and probably won't see her for the next half a year before the Chinese new year. She is my only sister, a younger one, although we are not very close. There are something that we don't like about each other. Another reason, going back there to see some friends who I knew when I was there about one year ago. Especially some of them are leaving Beijing for good, so we may not see each other for ever. What's more? these friends seemed more interesting than people I have met in Hong Kong, so far. Much less business like, I may put it. One more reason, it gives me something distraction from too intensive writing processes that I am going through. I am imagining myself sitting on the train and knowing my way around Beijing. However, nobody really expect me to go there... maybe I should leave it until later

a fresh start

After a whole day pottering around, today is a new start for to concentrate on my writing now. Hong Kong is not a pleasant place in May or June in terms of its miserable weather. The humidity is a killer and somehow it feels like worse than that in Wuhan in Summer. Low pressure together with the humidity press against my chest, I just couldn't help hiding in air-conditioning room which I dislike very much. There is no other way apparently. Anyway, back to my day today, what I would like to achieve today is writing a paragraph or two; making a list of things that I would like doing but too emotional to do sometimes; arranging my books and giving them a better order; going to a coffee shop to read after all these having been done to celebrate my little steps. Let me do it.

Morning after a good-night sleep!

I always feel much better after a good night sleep. The whole world is different... we made up... David and I finally after a few days fighting... it is quite different from usual. I feel we both have learned something that we never really considered before. For me, that is compassion. That sounds quite weird in this context, isn't? As I explained in my last post, compassion is something that you feel for someone else. Today, it is the first time for a very long while that we really feel for each other. It was very romantic as well. He cooked some Peruvien dishes that he was familiar with and invited me for the dinner. The effort earned its own credits. I loved it, not just that I loved the exotic tastes of the dishes, but the effort. But more important is that, he appears to be compassionate with what's around, what I said and things that happened then. It was the first time that we discussing about serious topics without misunderstanding each other. We are more compassionate with each other.

About compassion

Came across a youtube video about a child protody today. This kid graduated from Washionton University with three degrees at age of 14 and just is doing his PhD on Neuron science at age 16 at Stanford University. He is outstanding athelet winning competition in swimming and thirantholon. During his spare time, he and his brother started an organization called the Worlds' children aiming to help children from developing and underdeveloped countries. When his father was interviewed about what else is important apart from his academic education, his father replied "compassion, we educate him to be compassionate about things and the world around". I was soon attracted by the concept being compassionate. What is compassion? The clearest definition is from Wikilipedia so far "Compassion is an understanding of the emotional state of another or oneself. Not to be confused with empathy, compassion is often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another or to show special kindness to those who suffer. However, compassion may lead an individual to feel empathy with another person."
Almost all major religions in the word talk about compassion. “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience”

Bible quotes

Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.”

Buddha quotes (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)

“Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion.”

Dalai Lama quotes (Head of the Dge-lugs-pa order of Tibetan Buddhists, 1989 Nobel Peace Prize, b.1935)

“A religious man is a person who holds God and man in one thought at one time, at all times, who suffers harm done to others, whose greatest passion is compassion, whose greatest strength is love and defiance of despair.”

Abraham J. Heschel quotes (Jewish theologian and philosopher, 1907-1972) In addition,

“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

Albert Einstein quotes (German born American Physicist who developed the special and general theories of relativity. Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921. 1879-1955)

Another huge explosion

Another huge explosion just set off between David and I. Shouting and yelling like flood that were unstoppable. It all came because I was giving David nutrient tablets and he refused to take it by repeating " I don't want to take it" ten to twenty times. He wouldn't listen to my reasoning and every time I started to say something, he repeated the same sentences to me over and over again like a spoiled child. I wouldn't get this angry if he didn't take the tablets the last couple of days. He took them without any complains, it appeared to me that he had accepted the necessity of taken those. All of the sudden, he felt that I was in control of him. At first, his behaviour was bit funny to as he repeated the same sentences over like a kid and I was laughing as well. Then he just shut me out completely by not allowing me to say anything. I blew up! I am giving him those for his health save, not mine. He drank coke, coffee and beer one after another in the middle of night very often. He eats like and sweats like a xxx usually... I am really worrying about his health. Maybe it is relevant that by giving those health tablets would make me feel slightly better. He doesn't appreciate it ... sod it... I'd better take care myself then.

Not an office person!

A little bit sick with office politics... I have always trying to keep away from it but as sensitive as I am it is much of effort. Maybe I would be good at politics, especially on public relations but that has far passed by my personal interests. More importantly, I don't appreciate that people profit by playing power. We all are exercising our power every day even maybe when we have passed away, we still will do. It is just that we wouldn't know about it. The point is there are just only certain things I would like to care about and exercise my power on. The office politics comes the least of my interests, but sometimes when I am in the situation, I just couldn't pretend I am blind or deaf. I probably can put on my earphone and just looked at my own computer screen. Things do happen around. The problem is the more I try to ignore, the more I am bit curious what is happening out there although I may not like what I see and hear at all. Would it be much more efficient if I just work from home. I just completely miss the point that I have to go to the office two and half days a week while I could do my work at any locations I choose, and that includes my home or coffee shop. However, just by staying in the office makes me more aware how precious the time I have at home. I am completely against anti-social and I am not, but it is better not to intervene my social life with work. Don't know if it is wise enough, but it would suit me the most at the moment.

Life is around work at the moment

I don't even remember if I said this before or not. It is getting late for me that I can't even think properly. I am writing for two projects that can be equally important for my career development. I hate to say it " career development". Partially it is true, yes if I can get them published, it would give me some credits on my study and future job hunting. Never mind, I actually see the double booked writing projects as precious development into becoming a good writer. Don't ask me what kind of writer yet. At this stage, I just want to write down what I think of my interested topics, most of them related to what I am working on. That's all what I am aiming for... Write clearer, concise, in my own style... The first two points were given by one of my English teacher in the past, either Patrick or some one I worked with. The last one I insist... Style is some concept that I can't really work on, it just develop gradually depending on how much I communicate or interact with the others either in words or verbally. Somehow, it doesn't sound right... I need my bed now.

What a beautiful morning !

Although it is Tuesday, it feels like Monday because yesterday was the public holiday- Buddha's birthday. We did not go out and celebrate it mainly because they might have been may people out there. Instead we stayed int yesterday to get ready to work again, even though our friends invited us to a beach. It was very tempting as the weather was gorgeous. For me, it is just not alright to leave work for too long, especially nowadays I haven't found my work routine yet. This vital important as doing a PhD is about developing my own work routine. I had the discussion with David and also looked online to see what other PhD students or grads would say about their PhD life. There was almost one unitary voice among all that being an PhD student or academic, I need to be very well disciplined with my time and work. No one will push me behind, no one will guide me much in front. I need to take initiatives in fulfilling many projects. What is troubling me very much is the writing processes. For that, the best advice I have received is that write something every day instead of waiting until finishing up all the reading.
I guess my future supervisor want to train me from now on. She set myself into writing a book chapter with her for the deadline of August. Believe it or not, I have signed up for it. Well of course I would when I am asked to do so and my name will be in the first author. It also means that I will write almost all the chapter by myself. It is exciting but I start to realize it is also a tough job now. According to the word limit, I need to writing 1000-2000 words every week in order to keep up a good pace.
It is me always challenging myself with some tasks that I am not complete sure how I can finish it. I am biting my lips... but also typing continuously.

What can be told today?

Run to many errants in the office today. It seems that Monday is about running for errants so the rest of the week I can start to focus on writing for the project. I discovered a book that is written for ESL learning. It included most of the words that I would like to say but not quite yet. That is great because it left me some space to extend my thoughts. It is laughable that I decided long ago that I would not doing any thing related to English teaching. Ironically, I am writing about it and people pay me to research on and write about it. Well, can't complain too much about it. Although I have not thought much about the topics either on EFL teaching or metacongitive knowledge in English learning. They are very closely linked to each other, although close, they are still two departments in a big school. Anyway time to bed, leave the thinking to tomorrow.

A turning point

Things will move on its own way not matter you are worried about it or not. As I was trying my best to do my job and expect nothing than peace and quiet between Alice and me, the conflict between her and me works out its own way. As I was wondering how to phrase my resignation and where to celebrate my freedom after this month, an email sending from my future supervisor inviting me writing a book chapter with her (with me as the first author). Of course, I am ecstatic and lifted up quite a bit. That means between the end of my current job and my PhD study I will have a solid target to work on. Having the thought that this is going to be my first English language publication, the enjoyment is undescrible. The only problem would be that David and I would be in Europe during my writing process, but Cammie doesn't mind that at all as long as I could produce results. I love it... this is a dream situation. I have always had the dream that I could become a writer so that no matter where I go, I could just write for living. Go jump off the bridge, my current boss! She wanted me to have done a research and had one to two paper published in three months. In her wild dream of becoming young again, maybe. She let out the words to the other colleagues that she was doubting about my research ability and ready to let me go. I was of course very angry and ready to just get my pay and make her just kiss my ass. The next thing I know is that she is offering me a three months half-time contact to finish with my project. Without seeing her every week, and have more free-time typing and researching on the topic I am interested in. My ego let me go ahead despite of all the fuss about it. Business is business! She wants publication, and I am interested in offering it as I have worked so long for it, plus I got my holiday time, therefore I went ahead. David thinks that I am crazy to agree to continue working with her, but I think it is more for myself than for her. To finish up the current research and write about it is will be my main job description. There will be no more of her changeable nonsenses on this project and that project that she had no commitment about. Most importantly, she apologizes for not giving me enough support and values very much of my contribution to her kingdom come. Yeah, right! She wants to see result, so do I ... therefore I agreed ... Deal with the challenge is in my hand now...

David's birthday!

Today is David's birthday! He is a happy man with everything he gets for his birthday, even for cooking meal for friends on this day. This happens every rare for him as he regards cooking work and effort. I don't quite agree with his belief on cooking, but today he really have put lots of effort into it. It was great fun cooking with him actually especially today he is totally relaxed to do so. We invited two couples to come, one couple knows about David's birthday and the other doesn't. It was in the morning that the couple who has a kid phoned to cancel the dinner together as their kid was having big trouble and just was diagnosed gastritis..., a kind of disease which makes people puke and have diarrhea. The weather has been rather nasty at the moment, humid with low pressure. It often makes me feel uneasy with breath. We were wondering whether that was one of the causes. Anyway, it was a pity that they could not come to the party. As we cooked and appreciated the source we are making, the colourful peeper containing spiced rice with sweet pee, minced beef, cheese and several other ingredient... I asked David to phone the other couple guest and tried to find out where they are now as we didn't want the food too hot or too cold. He phoned and phoned, no one answered the call. In 10 seconds, one beaming light indicated that I got a message. " my girlfriend didn't feel well this afternoon, looked like I have to take her to hospital, very sorry, looks like we are going to miss your dinner." I couldn't believe, we couldn't believe what just happened. A minute ago, we phoned and nobody answered the call, and the next minute, canceled the dinner with a message. David and I felt much offended that they didn't even have decency to phone us back and explain what just happened. Did someone really die or have an accident? Putting aside our feeling, we prepared four to five people's meal and now it will keep us full for the whole next week (a bit exaggeration). Somehow, I feel like been dumped over just a massage, a massage far from convincing. Maybe there is really something urgent happened and we would have no problem of that. This way, only makes me feel that they were lying for their forgetfulness. I took it very personal at least... David didn't seem to care that much but I could tell he felt surprised of what they did. This couldn't just escape from my mind and I would like to try to find out what happened. We didn't call them. David tried to defend for them and said that in Hong Kong when people feel embarrassed, they will do things like this to avoid embarrassment. Does it really save every one's face and avoid the embarrassing moment? I don't understand... is it Hong Kong culture? definitely not Chinese culture that I know of.

Meeting phobia

For some reason, I feel very uneasy to realize that I am meeting my boss in half an hour. Somehow, she makes me feel reluctant to have any contact with her because she is disgusting using one adjective to describe her. I know it sounds a bit harsh but there is just no other word that can substitute this one which is the best portrait for her. Still, I will have to go. Work is work! I just have to remember to listen and not to respond to any stupid ideas. No CBM, no software designing, nothing...
It sounds a little bit like I am afraid of her. Not at all, she could try to scare me with those old tricks like canceling my trip to Beijing three days before the trip, threatening me not to renew my contract if didn't publish paper in three months, provoking me by telling me that I didn't have any idea of what I am talking about in front of my colleagues (luckily all my colleagues know what kind of person she is and are on my side, although nothing they can do about it). Those things do irritate me but never intimidate me.
It is simply that I don't want to see her face, hear her voice, nothing about her...

Feeling good...

I think I broke up my writing block just by typing and typing, typing anything that was in my mind, my frustration, my any thoughts related to the topic I was working on. It worked and I am almost ecastatic about it. Just I was still merging in the enjoyment of writing my way through and treated myself with a power yoga session, I got a phone call from Ms Zhu that Alice was asking for me about the meeting tomorrow. Suddenly I felt a cloud is flying towards me. Reluctantly, I had to phone her back. She wasn't criticizing, instead, she sounded light. She wanted me to find the exact articles that I sent her a list for and commented that they seem quite positive. Yeah, all positive again... she suddenly find a saver... wait until she realize that how difficult that is to really conduct... But it is what I have been working on any way... the research questions and designs... would be very interesting to find out how the Reading Recovery programme works on Chinese children in the Chinese foreign language teaching context. Anyway, I will just continue working on the literature review which kept giving me writing blocks. In the end, I am very looking forward to seeing what comes out of it. Wait, write and see... just don't think too big of yourself...

Emotion, emotional, emotionaly low

Why do I feel low and unmotivated? Is it really work related? I know maybe work triggered my negative emotion. I am considering if the academic work is for me as it can get really boring especially when I have no idea what to think and write. when I am trying to put my thoughts into words, it changes all the time. I could not follow what my thoughts and continue what I plan to write about ...it is getting really boring. what is the point of doing research? My answer would be able to theorize some behaviourial patterns, some good experiences and some other aspect of life people share. why do i want to do research about young children's metacognition? Because that's what learners need in order to improve their performances in problem solving. when a foreign language learner is given a reading task, he is likely to use the most familiar strategies he knows in decode the written language, comprehend the text and make some sense out of what printed. How much he knows about himself being a language learner, how much he knows about the text and how well he can use the linguistic knowledge in decoding and comprehending the tasks are the concerns of metacognition.

Why Bitching

Almost spent my whole morning moaning about my boss with my colleagues, especially with the one who had similar experiences with me but I just needed to get that out of my system. I hope it works for me, at least it is working just fine with me. I wish I could learn how to be less emotional over people like Alice. I called her disgusting and it is fair. I wish also that I could really care much less about things that are not important. How to care less about things that aren't important to you? If I cannot stopping caring about things that I think they are not important to me, does that mean that actually those things are in fact important to me. I want to be more resilient towards the negative emotions, but it seems that the more I reject them the more I am affected. Stop bitching now... start working...

Getting preganant V.S. getting a PhD

This ambition just couldn't escape me in the slightest, the ambition of getting pregnant and a PhD at the same time. As a result of my effort in getting a PhD, I have finally received an offer with scholarship doing a PhD with my preferred supervisor in Hong Kong. Unlike the offers I received from Oxford the last two time, I am not as excited as I was with the result. I am thinking of more in life now. A child... I am ready, he is ready... we both are ready physically and mentally. What exactly will be the challenge, we don't know. How can I manage both tasks? It is the question I am searching answers for...

Aey....

Somehow I feel that there is tension around my chest as if some air is trapped and cannot be removed. A day without a maniac boss around is not as stressful as the days when she was here, but the post-stress cause by her presence is pretty tensional. I do blame her for taking away the fun of work at the centre. Banning the table viciously with death penalty face when she saw us having a brief discussion in an observation. Savaging people with her power being an boss when she realized she has not sufficient knowledge in discussing any academic issues. Anyway, so glad that she is away and I will try to enjoy my work for only a couple of days without her in presence in the office.

Almost have spent the whole two hours of time watching Youtube videos. Somehow, just by watching other writers' stories, that made me feel comforted. My fear towards writing is explicit in other's words. I feel I become no more vulnerable although in fact I still am.
I don't remember which video says so but it gave my neglect ion a touch :" when you don't how to write or what to write, go to experience something and live a life." I forgets to live my life especially when i am getting emotionally low and defeated. The experience with Alice, my boss, was not comparing to traumatic events like death or separation with your love but it was pretty anxiety related, bad energy generated. I don't hate her any more but want to keep far far away from her.

Asian Film Award, what a dissapointment!

Briefly glanced at the Asian Film Award ceremony last night, I could sense that how odd the live situation can be. There were sitting some excellent actors and actresses off the stage, on the stage a single male host presenting every now and then different awarding guests who seemed to have no passion of what they are doing there, not matter how good they tried to act like a pretty one, not until the best actor and actress were awarded, I had to turn off the TV since it made me feel bored and close disgusted. It seems to me that they would like to copy from the Oscar, but didn't have strong culture to back up this. Therefore, the whole ceremony looked like a typical amertuer work. Asian film without Asian identity. Tanwei didn't attend this award. Through online news I only realised that Tang Wei was boycotted in China, her ads was boycotted, no more film roles for her inside China, and I hope she was not 'imprisoned'. I imagine that it were around cultural revolutionary time, she would for sure end up staying in prison for this. Luckily, that horrifying time was over. Stupid, isn't it? for the stupid political reason, a excellent actress is baned to act. I doubted she had any motive for free speech but acting what was in the history. The government and maybe the masses in China are not ready to listen to opinions other than their own on history. I guess the government wanted to warn everyone else who has attempt to try out any "unpatriotic role" like the role of "Wang Xiang Zhi" in Lust and Caution Tang Wei played. Certainly the communist part holds a very strong vision of and experience in exercising the power of film and literature. For the government, maybe it is something they have to do to protect their public image and glorious history in this current unstable Chinese society. However, how long their authoritarian parenting style can really work in the growing society of individualism. For Tangwei, never know if it means any positive or negative impact on her career or life. 塞翁失马，焉之非福。If I were her, I would make use of the money and time to study films in Europe, learn several languages and enjoy life there before anything would happen... Bless her...

Young children's reading

It is my dream coming true that I am paid to read and write on topics I care about and am interested in- child development in language. My current project have directed my attention back to children's foreign language learning as I used to teach young children English. The motivation of the research interests came from an experience my current boss encountered in a kindergarten in Beijing (She is very impulsive towards research ideas). Her partner in Beijing had a grand-daughter, who was learning English in the kindergarten, but the kid came back home with an aucward pronunciations (e.g. lesson becomes laison). From there, these academics realized how important to teach young children English properly. It is true that it is not the situation just solely belongs to one kindergarten, it is indeed many educators and parents' worry and anxiety. How to make young children bilingual and literate? Talking about literate, in this circumstances, it means reading and writing. In the understanding of child literacy development, reading is, at least in western society, recognized as the core and key to writing and composing. It is also true in the Chinese society, however the concept of reading is not as widely accepted as that is in the UK, US or any other western society. It is very dangerous that this statement may go far from reach. I had better stay still with just reading. Reading is seen important, and treated seriously in Chinese education. However, reading is somehow not encouraged or motivated. It is more of a task, a homework, it is not supposed to fun. Maybe it is too generalized, saying this may hurt many teachers' feelings. However, the reality is that reading for fun is never a culture. I still remember that how I was criticized for reading novels in my middle school, because it took too much of my study time. The situation may be different now, but I doubted that students nowadays have much more time reading for fun than before. What's the point of reading? especially reading for fun! Developmentally, reading for fun builds up one's fluency in reading, therefore the comprehension of the content of a book. Reading enriches one's language from vocabulary, syntactics to tones. Readers can replicate the talk from a story in their real life. In this case, reading is particularly more important for second language learners who particularly lives in an non-second language environment. Second language learners do not always have opportunities to communicate with people in the second language verbally, but reading a novel or even just a story provide them a context that shows how the second language is used. Through reading, the learner can also practice their language skills such as decoding and comprehension. Why reading is so important for children? Children learns from stories, children's literature is usually narrative with simple languages at the beginning. For young children starting to learn another language at age of 3 (true in Hong Kong and valid in many major cities inside China), reading is the most efficient source for the literacy development. Through reading, children will be able to get to know characters that was built in the stories and discuss about the character and things happened to the characters. What's more, children can act out the story or even retell the story. Therefore, reading is not just about reading anymore. Reading is a door to communication that will be eventually expressed through writing. More reason why children should start reading early...?

Sitting in front of my computer, my mind is packed with news on Tibetan protects, now it has developed into riots and my own research project. Like many people have projected that there must be some protects or riots against Chinese government happening around the Olympic time, a couple of weeks after Bejork cheekily hummed 'free Tibet' at the end of her concert, the Tibetans started their large scale protects over human rights and cultural invasion just over one hundred days before the Olympic day. To be independent is every one's dream and life-goals, it seems. Few people would say:" I would like to rely on someone else", maybe for a short period of time one would think it before they can be independent but it is unlikely to be one's claim for ever. The reality seems to me that no one can be completely independent from another, especially one who had close relationships with, physically, mentally, materialistically. I guess politics is a very different story, it is more about what small groups of people want over the mass. Maybe the small groups of people have more visions, otherwise China would not be China today, America would not be America today, the same with Great Britain, and the world would be much more peaceful, a big maybe! Only if we have the exact same standards, the exact same executives. Even so, there is so many uncontrollable variables... There is no way one standard can make every one feel it is fair... Fairness is just poetic word that expresses human being's good willingness. Like what is said in Animal Farm, some are more equal than the others... It is such a good spirit that equality becomes to every one's attention in life, but it has been taking western societies hundred and hundred years to fight for equality, given the fact that the equality is written in most western societies' constitution.
I don't really know how to continue saying what I will say about Tibetan monks' protects... What are they really protecting about? Really about human right? cultural invasion? or really about globalization, or the erosion of the human society...